Baby sitting Bubba

One of my older brothers, whom we shall call the sneaking deacon, had a young red headed girlfriend named Diane. She became like a part of the family and spent time around the house even through Stan was away in college at Mississippi State. Well there came this weekend where my parents decided they needed a break and was going to go on a trip. Only problem was I was 16 and Tim was 15 and they didn’t quite trust us alone with no supervision.

My mother came up with the bright idea of asking Diane to stay over and watch us. Diane was around 18 or 19 a very good looking woman, so of course Tim and I didn’t object to this plan. She could cook and clean and she even liked the same TV shows we did. Everything was going fine, till she started getting bossy. It was around 1pm and friend named Beryl dropped by. He wanted to know if we wanted to go to Parker’s creek and go swimming. Sounded like a good idea to us, but Diane said she didn’t have a bathing suit with her and we could not go by ourselves. We tried to negotiate but to no avail as she was not going to take a chance of something happening to us during her shift.

We went out in the yard and discussed the situation. Diplomacy apparently was not going to work, so force was in order. If we where going to go swimming, we had to keep her away from the phone, so she couldn’t call in any reinforcements. And idea came upon me, and we found a couple pieces of rope in the garage that looked like they would work fine.

The minute we walked into the house and Diane saw the rope thrown over my shoulder, she knew something was about to happen she was not going to like. She asked us what’s up with rope and we just smiled. Tim moved over the counter an unplugged the phone. She saw and panic really set in. She tried to make it to the door, when Beryl and I tackled her.

One had her hands while the other held her feet and we took her to the master bedroom. My parents had a 4-poster bed that would work fine. We tied her spread eagle on the bed with one arm to this post and the other arm to the other. Her feet were bound together and also tied to a post. We then tied a piece of rope to her big toes and then too her wrist. If she tried to bring her arms in to use her teeth to untie the ropes it would cause her legs to be lifted by her big toe. I think she was afraid we had other plans, but we looked at her and said…. We are going swimming. She started cussing at us, so we tied a pillowcase across her mouth and left.

We went swimming for about 2 to 3 hours and the sun was coming down on our way home. When we arrived Beryl and Tim chickened out on going in and releasing Diane. I couldn’t see how we could leave her like that forever, so I took on the task. As I entered the room, it was a sight to see. Sweet was pouring from her brow and her shirt had worked its way up so that you could see the bottom of her bra. I figured ain’t no sense rushing to untie her, so I took my time checking her out with my eyes. She tugged at the ropes a few more times and realized it was hopeless.

She got smart and started getting real nice. She asked if we were both all right and if we had a good time swimming. She said she should have gone with us and that she was sorry. If I would untie her she would not say anything to my parents and all would be forgiven. I slowly reached across and untied one side and she remained very still. Maybe she meant it? I untied the other side and she took in a breath of air. She blew the air out to move the hair away from her eyes. She said Art real sexy and as I leaned over and said yes…she proceeds to slap the living shit out of me. She beat me to the floor in no time, cause I wasn’t about to hit her back. I just covered my head and let her punch me. I don’t know if my parents ever found out about this adventure, but fill certain she told the deacon. She never baby-sat us again.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2005

Too Much Information

Lately this modern age of information unlimited has been getting on my last nerve. With the advent of the computer companies sell and collect data on everyone and target their advertisement based on that data. I was just about getting use to receiving that invitation to join the AARP when this latest batch started making its way to my mailbox.

Seems like every company in the world wants to sell me something to help me with memory lost, erectile dysfunction or my hearing but the latest batch of mail urging me to buy a cemetery plot is the perfect way to put a damper on what started out to be a nice day. Just all of a sudden they started showing up in my mailbox and email.

Dear Art,

Based on our data you have reached the age that you should seriously consider purchasing a cemetery plot and we have just the one for you. Purchase now at this low price and save your widow the grief of dealing with higher prices upon your death. (I guess it is like a concert and the price goes up at the gate)

Sincerely,
Don’t you feel better now


I think I will sit down and show these companies that the information highway travels both ways. Have some fun with it and research who the owner or CEO is for each of these companies and send them letters like this…

Dear Make my Day,

Based on my data, your daughter is a lesbian, your son is a crack head, and I don’t want to have to tell you what your wife does every time you go on a business trip. As a side note your company’s value is going to decrease by 90% within the next month and your then ex wife will get the 10% left. Take me off your mailing list or I will send you proof that your Mother never loved you and that man you called Dad was really not your father.

Have a good day,

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

The French Kiss in Woolmarket MS

I was still going what we called going steady with Sheila (8th grade) when I got invited to a hayride at the local Methodist church. The Reverend was a 19-year-old named Brother Charles. Sheila came from one of the most prominate families in Woolmarket. She had a pool in her front yard.

When we got started, I looked around and there were at least 3 women (girls) to every boy. I didn’t think too much about it, because I was going to get to kiss Sheila. But during the night, I found out those women hang together and sometimes it can work to a young mans advantage. Sheila soon felt like the wife on Little Big Man (I think her name was Sunshine) and felt she should share her man with the rest of the girls, sitting around with no one.

So she sent me on a mission. First up was Terri, the older woman. She was in the 10th grade. She was eating chocolate malt balls. Kissed on Terri about 20 minutes and she would let you brush beside some new territory every once in while. Next was Brenda…also an older woman…. Brenda was a cousin of Sheila. Then on to Susan, the local hotty…Stayed with Susan till Sheila moved down and we moved back to our normal spot.

Sheila and I made out for about another 30 minutes when she noticed that no one had approached Cheryl. She was sitting at the back of the trailer and no one had kissed her. Cheryl was skinny as a rail and when Sheila suggested I go kiss her, I was not all that excited about it! I think Cheryl heard part of the discussion and was somewhat embarrassed when I agreed to do my duty for God and Country. She told me, you don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to. I said I want to.

When we kissed she did something strange; she opened my lips and stuck her tongue down my throat. I thought …hmm this is different and did the same thing back. We kissed for about 10 minutes and then I went back to Sheila. I stayed with Sheila for the rest of the night.

Two days later, I get a call from Sheila and she is mad as hell that I didn’t tell her that I knew how to FRENCH KISS. I said what the heck is French kissing? She said don’t play innocent with me, you know what it is? I said, no I don’t. She said it is where you stick your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat….I said; oh that is what that was. Those French folks know how to do it right!


Side Note: Saw that skinny little girl (Cheryl) about 20 years later at a school reunion and she was drop dead gorgeous. Wish I had French kissed her some more.




Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2001

Things I learned from Grandpa and Daddy Buck

I had two grandfathers that were as different as night and day. One a city slicker and the other a farmer and they both taught me things in their own way. I guess I will start with Grandpa Nalley (the farmer) who taught me about hard work and comedy timing. He had a very dry sense of humor and you had to pay close attention to catch when he was playing with you. He talked slow and very drawn out. For part of my life we lived in a trailer next to my Grandfather's place while my father was overseas in the military. During those couple of years all of us boys worked for Grandpa. Get up early in the morning go to the barn and shuck corn. After you had about six burlap sacks full you would throw them in the back of his truck and go up to his corn mill building. The building had a big pulley looking thing coming out the side that Grandpa would hook a tractor belt to engage his PTO and the milling machines in the old building would all start moving. We would make up about fifty bags of corn meal and then he would load them up in his truck and make his store rounds selling them. If you were lucky he might buy you a coke but you learned to not brag about it later cause Grandma would get on to him for doing so. She was tight; I think it had something to do with growing up in the depression. Grandpa said one time ain't nobody but the lord and the banker know how much money Mrs. Nalley has.

Remember me saying Grandpa Nalley taught me comedy timing? Well here is a story I like to tell about him because it is so much out of his normal character. Now you have to have the mental picture of them first. They are at this time both around 70 and sitting out on the front porch peeling apples. Grandpa and his pocket knife dressed in his overalls and Grandma in an old dress, long down to her ankles with her kitchen apron on. The chickens were just out the door eating some corn Grandpa had thrown to them. An old Rooster was out strutting in the yard and about every minute and half he would top a chicken (that is country for getting some, for you city folks) well after that rooster had topped about his forth hen grandma leaned over and said to Grandpa: I sure wish you could do that. Grandpa looked a little hurt at first and just looked down at his apple and kept peeling it. It was then I noticed he kept one eye cocked toward that rooster. Sure enough about 30 seconds later that rooster topped him another hen. Grandpa leaned back in his chair and said real slow…. I probably could if I had a fresh hen each time.

My other Grandfather we called Daddy Buck he was actually my step Grandpa as the real Grandpa died before I was born. Daddy Buck loved drinking beer and he loved telling stories. That sounds like someone I know. Us boys loved sitting around listening to him tell his stories and he had a very colorful life. He quit school in the 4^th grade and went to work in the mill. That was the expected thing back then. Later he got into moon shinning and he did some vaudeville. Some would say he was a mean old guy but he just liked to teach boys life lessons like the time he bet me fifty cents I couldn't pee thru and electric fence. Now for you that have not had this experience sooner or later the stream decreases and the electricity increases. Then there was the time he told me that if you put butter on your hands you can catch bees and they can't sting you. Daddy Buck was also the author of the family ghost called Red Eye. Red Eye had one big eye in the middle of his head and he hung around graveyards during the day and would venture out at night to eat little children. Red Eye liked his food tender. Red Eye is still passed down in the family as soon as a kid gets old enough to listen.

Daddy Buck and Granny would come down to Mississippi most Christmas's (they lived in Jacksonville, Fl) and he always had a grocery sack full of fire cracker's for us boy's to shoot around the fire. We men folk would hang out at night, telling stories and shooting firecrackers while the women folk stayed in the house doing whatever they did. You could make good money hanging around Daddy Buck as he would pay you a nickel a beer to fetch it for him. My stories are nothing compared to the ones he could tell and I don't know how many times in my life I wished I had written them down as I can't remember them real clear today but remember they were great.
At the end of a night we had this man ritual where we would all circle the fire and piss it out. Then if needed we would bring the hose, but most the time Daddy Buck had enough beer in him to take care of it.

I remember one year someone took a picture of that ritual. Well back then they had film on rolls and it may take you most of the year to use the roll up and then you had to take it to the drug store to get the film developed. Mom had been to town and she come thru the front door mad as hell. Stuck that picture in my Dad's face and said who took this picture? You could have had me arrested; everybody's in the store has probably seen it! My Dad and us boys thought it was funny but Mom didn't see the humor in it at all. Well it is time to clean up the garage and work on the tractor a little. I had read a story by a young lady about her grandmother that inspired this story, hope ya'll like it. Chapter 2 will be about marrying my Granny as Genny is so much like her it is scary from time to time. She has her love of life and laugh down pat.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2010

Past Throat Cancer Story

It is the 3^rd day of treatment and starting to feel some of the effects. I don't feel the treatment but my voice is getting worse and my taste buds are going away. They gave me a damn list of things I can't have over the next six weeks and I swear they must have interviewed me during my sleep to find out what I like and outlawed it. I love a tomato sandwich and guess what mine are just coming in and I been eating them every night for a week. No can do. And you know that orange juice I like in the morning with my sausage biscuit, no can do. You know all those years of smoking made me spice everything up to the max so I could taste it; you guessed it no can do.

These folks don't have any sense of humor at all but I am trying to train them. They took my picture (a dad pose) and every time I come in they ask me if that is me. Today I put on my glasses and looked real hard at the picture, which made the tech's look at it real hard too. I looked around the waiting room and said; you see anybody else that damn good looking in here? They laughed and said come on back Mr. Nalley.

They made this special mask that supposedly only fits my face so when we got in the room I said, okay you ask me each time I come in if the picture on the treatment schedule is me but what is there to say you are using the right mask, you got my name on it? He showed me that they did and then assured me that the mask is so specialized as to facial features that if he tried to use someone else's it would not fit. I look and they got all the other current patients mask hanging up in an open closet. I pointed and said good damn thing I ain't got prostate cancer I would hate to be hanging in there and have the female tech's come by and judge me each day before treatment. The female tech laughed her ass off and the male one actually blushed.

Well I beat that cancer and recently got my five year okay and later had prostate cancer but had surgery versus radiation. Hope none of you ever face this in your life but if you do, put a little humor in it. It helps.

Addition:

It appears I have become the poster boy on Goggle, Bing and Yahoo for a picture of throat cancer. This story by far is my most read story on my blog.  It was written in an attempt to put a little humor into the situation because no one likes to hear they have cancer.  So don’t just stop with this story, I have over 60 more on my blog and I prescribe for you to read no less than one per day.  If you are a man trying to figure out a woman you will like a lot of my stories.  But most important by far is find humor in all things humor and laughter will cure you.

Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2005

Décor and Ed-u-mah-cation is everything?

After many years of being number 3, my oldest Brother joined the Army and the next one went off to college and got married. Like Bush did early today, I assumed the tittle as the Commander and Chief. This position did have benefits. No one was around that could kick your ass and it was your turn to make you little brother’s life miserable. The number one benefit was that you got your own room. Needless to say, I didn’t like the décor of the previous occupant. I talked my father out of a record player that had a speaker about 2ft high and one foot wide. I painted the outside of the speaker case Cherry red. It had a place you could plug in a mike and sing along with the songs.

Use to love to do that when I got mad about something. I would put on a little Stephenwolf and sing “Born to be Wild” or my all time favorite: What gives you the right, to stand and tell me what to do, tell me, who gave you the power, to stop me from living like I do. Remember if you plan to stay that those that give can’t take away. I also played a lot of Bee Gee’s and Bread. Both groups put out a lot of romantic sad songs about some woman that done you wrong. So she broke your heart…go get you a pint of JD and start off listening to some songs about other folks in the same situation. Drink a little, listen a little and sing along a little. When you got it out of your system., you go. back to Stephenwolf. Bornnnnnn to be wilddddddddddddddddddd.. I am on the fucking highway, going to do it my way…born to be wild.

To hell with that woman…she doesn’t know what she passed up.

This period was in the early 70’s. Hippie movement was pretty big and you had to have long hair to be anybody. Course dad being Military didn’t care for that much. He thought the Beatles were a communist plot to take over America, by destroying its youth. For most of these years I had long blond hair down to the edge of my shoulder. I was lean and mean. My mamma said the only time my pants fit right was on payday. So I guess that means I had no Ass to speak of. I started smoking in the 8th grade so by the time I got to the 10th grade there was no desire to hide it anymore. I found an old toilet somewhere and set it up in the room halfway down the wall. No tank..just the bowl. This was to be my ashtray. Hell you didn’t have to dump it for years. Then went out and bought a poster picture of the devil that was painted in fluorescent paint. I placed the poster on the wall behind the toilet. Went out to the highway and stole one of those big yellow-blinking lights. Placed it in the bowl, blinking up at the poster of the devil. It made it look like the flames were actually moving.

The fashion of the day was bell-bottom pants and shirts with the big French collars and sleeves. Your shoe had to have at least 2 inch heals on them. Course it was hard to get your parents to dress you like one of those communist faggots so you had to buy your own.

Vietnam was still going on and those folks were shooting each other. Didn’t look like a fun place to go and when you got back somebody would call you a baby killer instead of thanking you. So unless you were crazy, there were two schools of thought. Either do extremely well so you could get a full scholarship to college (you would get a deferment and hopefully the damn war would be over by time you got out) or stay in High School. I chose the easiest…stay in high school. Failed the 9th grade twice. I even failed PE. Skipped school whenever I could and chased them women. Since I had failed the 9th twice, I decided I would quit school. 18 was a few years away, I could get a full time job and chase them women.

Only problem was getting mom and dad’s permission to do so. That 2nd summer my dad decided the house needed a new septic tank system and guess who was going to dig it since it was probably going to be my occupation in life anyway, with no education. My father invited my grandfather down for the summer also. He had recently retired. He was to supervise me digging the septic tank hole and lines. He was a real good guy and there will be many stores on him down the road. But he only had about a 4th grade education and had to work hard all of his life.

It was very hot down in that hole. You would dig a little, pick a little and then chop a little to get those pine roots out of the way. Daddy Buck would sit at the edge of the pit in a lawn chair, sipping on a cold beer and taunt the hell out of you while you worked. You need to dig some more there…do this, do that… He finally got on my last nerve and I grabbed the axe and was going to come out of the hole and kick his ass when he said: You come on out of that hole and whip this old man’s ass if you want to boy, but if you don’t finish high school you going to have some old dumb bastard like me, telling you what to do for the rest of your life. I put down the axe and looked at him and he looked like a man of conviction, he believed what he was saying and it was based on his experience. I had to listen. I did well in school the next year, which means I passed all my courses and then went to summer school 2 years in a row to catch up. By the time I reached my senior year I had an easy load. I only had to go half days.

Side Note: Doing fairly good these days and make enough to support two women. One just gives me the privilege to writing her checks however. Oh well who would have ever thought a ditch digging boy from Woolmarket would even be able to do it.


Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2004

Hey to you my Chinese Friends

As part of the Google Blogger feature you can look at Statistic's of how many people have read your blog by day, week, month, or forever. However their forever only goes back about a year. One feature I like is that you can see from what country your audience is reading you from. This is a proud moment for me as Bubba has folks from China reading his blog. Which from everything I read would be hard to do without the Official Chinese government giving me approved status. Guess they feel I pose no threat to them and I don't, I like Chinese folks. However some of what you have heard about us is true, we are capitalist and love money. There is a reason for that and it is that our women love spending it and if your woman is happy then Bubba is happy.

Wonder how Bubba reads in Chinese that would be interesting. He says he rides on hay to kiss women I thought all Americans had cars? Let's see there are 1.3 Billion Chinese and if I opened up a PayPal account and asked for a donation after you read each post and let's say the average donation is 1 dollar Bubba could do fairly decent. I am reaching out to you my Chinese friends as my overhead is kind of high. I usually have to get about a six pack in before the words really start to flow. My woman is fairly high maintenance also. Drop a line from time to time and let me know what you would like to know about Bubba and America and I will do my best to respond.

Is She Ready Yet

Old Art has been going through writers block lately. I have a lot of new ideas for story lines but by time I get to the computer the story line seems to disappear. It may be the beginning of All Timers. Anyway a lady posted a message yesterday asking "moms" what is the right age for my daughter to start dating? She was given many options (never, 16, 17) but the majority qualified each answer depending upon their maturity. I negotiated contracts for the Veterans Administration for 30 years and always found it interesting the number of different ways people define the same word so I like to provide the definition I will be using which is: Maturity (psychological), a term in developmental psychology to indicate that a person responds to the circumstances or environment in an appropriate manner. Now the problem is that there usually is a lapse of several years between Sexual Maturity and Psychological Maturity : Sexual maturity, the stage when an organism can reproduce, though it is distinct from adulthood.

I had a very active sex life as a teenager and God blessed me with two girls to raise as a result of it. Sometimes I could hear him laughing! And no I didn't get their mother pregnant as a teenager. Let me back up I did she was 19. I was one of the lucky ones; I beat the statistics which was completing high school back then but today the requirements to be successful are much higher. As a mother of a young boy or girl remember two words as they are your friend and they are statistics and goals.

There are many paths that take you to the same designation but some take a lot longer and are a lot harder to achieve. Start early with your child talking about his/her goals in life. Remember it is their goals and not yours. Oh so you would like to be a lawyer, well lets research this and see what all is involved so that we can make sure you are properly prepared to meet your goal. Young adults are motivated by goals. Example: You want to borrow the car clean your room, etc., So back to the subject, so you want to be a lawyer, well what are the things that could stop or dramatically slow your progress toward reaching that goal. One big one is getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. I didn't have boys so I didn't have to worry about the boys problems but the same logic works for both.

The very first thing you have to do as a parent is put this in prospective. I would ask the mother who ask how old should my daughter should be, how old where you? What did you learn during the experience, what mistakes you made, what advice your parents gave worked and what didn't? Have you shared your early life with your daughter?

Most of us whether we will admit it or not were super charged and it is only natural as we (both sexes) have so many changes going on in our mind and body we don't fully understand we just knew that we were driven to explore new experiences. Some act upon it and some delay it but as sure as the sun is going to rise, your baby girl is going to experience it. Help her understand what she is going thru and that it is natural. I use to tell my girls stuff like: You know when a boy that age tells you he loves you he really means he would love to. You do understand the difference don't you? Yes Daddy I do.

When I think back to my teenager years the things that really stuck in my head was the things other people in my peer group was experiencing more then what my parents said. I didn't think my parents had a clue till I was about twenty eight or so. For example drugs where a very big thing when I was growing up and the thing that kept me out of it was watching an older friend that was heavily into it and seeing what he went thru. In one of my other blog stories (Drivers License and My First Real Date) I talk about a young lady I went out with who's older sister got pregnant and about how she was not going to let me close to anything that may cause her to get in the same situation. In thinking back it is because she had lived it. She saw what her older sister went thru, her father and her mother the family unit. No the boy didn't marry her sister and live happily ever after and statistics show the majority don't. They also show that if they do get married the percentages are high that it will not last. That's the facts Jack and they don't need necessarily to hear it from you it is on the web. But I don't see any harm in printing out a little reading material from time to time and place it on her pillow. About.com is a good site for this, doesn't go pro or con just states the facts.

http://marriage.about.com/cs/teenmarriage/a/teenmarriage.htm

So if that girl down the street gets pregnant should you talk poorly of her or talk about her parents not properly raising her? No, what you should do is make sure she becomes your daughter's best friend. They will talk about (without you) the dreams that girl had that are on hold, what it is like to wake up several times a night to feed a child, etc., and how that boy all of sudden is saying things like that isn't my kid to all her class mates. As I said earlier he didn't love her he loved to. Maybe more then you ask for but if you are asking about dating you are asking for reasons that fall somewhere along these lines. You have some fun years ahead of you! Well any way the writer's block is gone and I feel better. I hope ya'll do too. Bubba is going to get back to comedy as this heavy stuff gives me headaches and flashbacks.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright@2010





 

The French Kiss in Woolmarket MS

I was still going what we called going steady with Sheila (8th grade) when I got invited to a hayride at the local Methodist church. The Reverend was a 19-year-old named Brother Charles. Sheila came from one of the most prominate families in Woolmarket. She had a pool in her front yard.

When we got started, I looked around and there were at least 3 women (girls) to every boy. I didn’t think too much about it, because I was going to get to kiss Sheila. But during the night, I found out those women hang together and sometimes it can work to a young mans advantage. Sheila soon felt like the wife on Little Big Man (I think her name was Sunshine) and felt she should share her man with the rest of the girls, sitting around with no one.

So she sent me on a mission. First up was Terri, the older woman. She was in the 10th grade. She was eating chocolate malt balls. Kissed on Terri about 20 minutes and she would let you brush beside some new territory every once in while. Next was Brenda…also an older woman…. Brenda was a cousin of Sheila. Then on to Susan, the local hotty…Stayed with Susan till Sheila moved down and we moved back to our normal spot.

Sheila and I made out for about another 30 minutes when she noticed that no one had approached Cheryl. She was sitting at the back of the trailer and no one had kissed her. Cheryl was skinny as a rail and when Sheila suggested I go kiss her, I was not all that excited about it! I think Cheryl heard part of the discussion and was somewhat embarrassed when I agreed to do my duty for God and Country. She told me, you don’t have to kiss me if you don’t want to. I said I want to.

When we kissed she did something strange; she opened my lips and stuck her tongue down my throat. I thought …hmm this is different and did the same thing back. We kissed for about 10 minutes and then I went back to Sheila. I stayed with Sheila for the rest of the night.

Two days later, I get a call from Sheila and she is mad as hell that I didn’t tell her that I knew how to FRENCH KISS. I said what the heck is French kissing? She said don’t play innocent with me, you know what it is? I said, no I don’t. She said it is where you stick your tongue down your girlfriend’s throat….I said; oh that is what that was. Those French folks know how to do it right!


Side Note: Saw that skinny little girl (Cheryl) about 20 years later at a school reunion and she was drop dead gorgeous. Wish I had French kissed her some more.

For God, Country and those Woolmarket Girls that trained Me

Woolmrket was a very good place to grow up. But we became toooo much like family. By the time we got into serious dating, the Woolmarket girls knew all of us like a book. They knew your next move before you could make it, and don’t ever make the mistake of calling one for a date to find out she was busy and then calling another. What am I …. Second choice…you just called Nina twenty minutes ago….dial tone.

So after about the 9th grade we started dating girls outside the community. You were also more likely to score that way since they didn’t have to worry about you going to their school Monday morning and telling everybody. One thing, I never did….If asked I would just smile and say…I don’t know man go ask her. I think this was a major factor in being so popular in High School. The girls could always trust me. Many of them came to me with their boy problems for me to solve. And I always gave very good advice. And you know what…my advice worked for everybody but me. I would have a similar situation, know what and how I should handle it, but couldn’t.

I once had a girl make a special request of me. Her boy friend was taking her for granted and she wanted me to put a hickey on her to make him jealous. She brought her girlfriend with her to ask me since she wanted to insure safety…That devil Art, you never know??? Well I thought about it and I wasn’t quite sure it was the best move for her. I tried to give her other suggestions that would probably work as well but both she and her girlfriend were insistent that her way was the way to bring him around.

At this point I felt a little used. So I started thinking, what she got in trade;;;;;;; Well it didn’t take long to come up with it. She just happened to have the biggest set of tits in D’Iberville. I said with her girlfriend in the front seat, I will give you a hickey on the neck, but if you really want to scare him into shape, you have got to have a couple on those tits as well. She thought about it a minute but her girlfriend Lori was shaking her head in agreement. We drove off from my house and went up a dirt road. Lori was still with us as she was driving. Well all I am going to say at this point, is I did her proud. For God, country and those Woolmarket girls that trained me.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2004

Timothy Jay Jay Stonewall Pecker Head Nalley

Timothy Jay is my younger brother, but just by a little bit. I’m a little surprised he even likes me as I dealt out punishment on a daily basis as he was growing up. It is I suppose understandable as Tim always made excellent grades in school and so did Stan. Here I am caught between two A students and can’t whip but one. So guess whom I pick on? Timothy Jay Jay Stonewall Pecker Head Nalley. Not sure who gave him that whole name but I am going to take credit for it since ain’t no body else writing lately.

I have many stories on Tim but plan to do just one tonight. The drive to excel was always very strong in Tim and it got to a point where he felt a 97 was not good enough. So one day in the fifth grade on a semester test he was not sure about a true and false question. Now me being the gambler I figure 50% chance, but not good enough for Tim. He wants to see that 100. So like a Pecker Head he tries to look at the book to get the answer and the teacher catches him. He got an F on a semester test. Hot damn the pressure is off of me. I would have died for a 97 and he wants 100. Needless to say…..he made me proud!


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2004

Grits Kill and Instant Grits Kills Instantly

Starting to get the garden ready, suppose to plant next week so at the outer edge of the garden was a very big ant pile that had been made over winter. I had heard one time that grits will kill ants and was curious as to if it would work, so I poked a few holes in the pile and the ants just came pouring out.

I went in the house and found a packet of instant grits and tore it open. There must have been a thousand ants on top of the pile when I tore it open and poured in on. I watched the ants slide down the grits and the worker ants carry little pieces down into the ant pile holes I had made. Went out this morning and no matter how much I poke the ant pile none come out. The ant’s are either dead or moved on to a higher-class neighborhood.

I hear that they take it in to hole and eat it. Grits expand and it kills them internally. I went to the garage and found some high profile ant killer I purchased last year. The cost of it was still on the bag, $7.67. I went inside and looked on the box of grits for a price. One dollar and thirteen cents for 10 bags of instant grits. I only used one bag.

I am feeling a little bad for the ants tonight as I know how it feels to be highly compacted.

Ya’ll have a good one you hear.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2005

Thank You Lord

You know too often in life we only go to the Lord with problems and not near enough with thanks…..So I was sitting outside on a beautiful day just looking over my domain and thought a thank you lord prayer was in order.

Lord just checking in to let you know I am thinking of you and thanking you for all the many blessings you have given me.

Our garden is looking good this year and I want to thank you for helping me come up with the idea to place that carpet down the rows to keep out the grass after I flooded the basement and had to tear it out. It should keep the work down a little this year.

Thanks for reminding me that behind every disaster is a chance to improve something else. All the plants seem to be doing well except for the cucumbers and I usually have to plant some things twice anyway so no big deal I will take care of that Lord.

Peach and plum trees look like they are putting on a lot of fruit and that wooden fence you gave me the energy to stain certainly looks good. Hey lord that front yard certainly looks better than all the neighbors' yards this year. Thanks for getting me out of that lazy chair at the right time to burn it off this year. Of course the neighbors thought I had lost my mind but they are now talking about a neighbor burn off party next year.

Lord thank you for that good looking, kind woman you provided me up stairs, she consistently talks good of me and is a great ego builder. Very good woman lord.

Lord thank you for them 4 good looking and healthy grandchildren you have blessed me with and of course my daughters. And thanks also for that son-in-law that has become more than a son in law.

Lord I also want to thank you for getting me thru that Prostate surgery without complications and for the recent check up news that the throat cancer has not returned.

I could go on and on Lord but basically everything is cool, the sun is shining, the birds or singing and my biggest decision I will have to make today is what I will eat not if I will eat like some others.

Anyway checking out and sending this on to others in hope that we start a chain of thank you lords today. What Lord? No I am not going to do that if you don't send it on to ten folks you are going straight to hell type closing. Yep, that annoys me also!

In Jesus Christ Name I pray

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright @2010

Early Women Folk

The early years 1^st thru 5^th grade

The earliest thing I remember about women folks is around the 2^nd grade, probably around seven or eight years old. We lived in base housing on Bunker Hill Air Force Base, Peru, IN. For some reason the Air Force decided that all the houses on our block were to receive new refrigerators. When they delivered them they left behind the cardboard box covers, so all the neighbor kids got together and drug them to my back yard. We built a big fort out of them to play in. Suddenly this little girl and I were crawling through the boxes when we realized we were by ourselves. We were at that age, were we were beginning to realize that there was something different about little boys and little girls, but didn't know quite what it was. I forgot which one asked first, but basically it turned into, you show me yours and I will show you mine. J No touch or anything just looks. We then went home, as it was getting close to suppertime. I thought everything had gone fine till about a week later, when I was getting a spanking for something else. My Dad liked to call out the things he was giving you a spanking for with each lick. On the last swing he said and this is for pulling that little girl pants down. My body went limp as I didn't expect him to know about that and that last one hurt.

Late 3^rd grade: On the base, there was this big field where all the local kids would meet to play baseball or other games. The new girl (Tom Boy type) moved into the neighbor and wanted to play. Somehow she and I got into a wrestling match. This girl was tough and I remember for a period how embarrassed I was going to be if a girl beat me. After at least 5 or 10 minutes of wrestling I was able to finally pin her.

If you were wrestling a boy, it was the norm for you to hold him down until he cries uncle. This means that he understands that you are superior and that he has been beaten. Sometimes it was hard to get them to say it and you had to hold them down awhile. Well as I held this girl pinned down and looked down at her, I felt a little different inside and for some reason I didn't want her to cry uncle, cause I didn't want to let her up. J I think that was the beginning of starting to like girls.

When I was in the 4^th or 5 grade, the school had this outing where by they took the kids to a skating ring in town on the school bus. Toward the end of the night the lights would go down and it was time for couple skating. I remember that there was only one little girl left waiting for someone to ask her and she looked like she was going to cry. I went over and asked her it she wanted to skate; she smiled and said okay. We held hands and skated and I think I feel in love during the time it took for two dances. After that she got back together with the rest of the little girls and I hung with the boys. On the ride back in the bus she was sitting on the back seat with one of her girls friends and I was about 2 seats up. I saw you dancing with Art her friend said. She responded back yeah, I only did it because I felt sorry for him. He is ugly and I don't like him. I was crushed and my heart was broken for the first time. I did okay on the outside, but when I got home my mother asked me how the skating went and I broke down crying. She hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright and that down the road; there would be plenty of little girls that would like me because I was smart and good looking. There must be something wrong with that little girl. That made me feel a little better.

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright 2010

Genuine Redneck Alabama is # 1

Went to do some Karaoke last night and one would expect a lot of singers started out with yelling Roll Tide! So as my father once accused me of I decided to deviate from the norm. The Song I turned in was Genuine Redneck. So my time comes up and I say I would like to start this with a moment of prayer for those poor California folks. Can ya'll just imagine 12 to 15,000K of us hitting town at one time. As for me, I did the smart thing. I purchased a bunch of Prozac stock early in the week and it went thru the roof. Then I launched into the first two verses.

Start of Song

Well I know my place and I'm not ashamed to say it
No darlin' it even makes me proud
If there's one place I know where I'm never alone
It's where I feel most at home

It's in a room full of real live genuine rednecks
Bonafide backwood misfits
Goodtimin' hillbilly lunatics
With cold beer and jukebox music
I don't like crowds but this one's mine
'Cause everybody here is genuine redneck

*****

At this point there is about a 12 bar break in the song for music. I walked to my table picked up my Beer and said. You said what Darling? I can't smoke up in here? This is a damn bar ain't it honey. Hey Bubba, did you hear that, now don't that beat everything; I was wondering why they didn't have no damn ash trays so I drank a beer fast.

**************

Then at this point I finished the song to the laughter of the crowd with a bunch of ye-hawing going on.

Well darlin' right or wrong where I do belong
It don't come with a crystal chandelier
I'd have to go out on a limb to say I fit in
With all the social high class atmosphere
Why we could slip out the back door and find my pickup truck
Darlin' I'm just wishin' I was in the middle of

A room full of real live genuine rednecks
Bonafide backwood misfits
Goodtimin' hillbilly lunatics
With cold beer and jukebox music
I don't like crowds but this one's mine
'Cause everybody here is genuine redneck

Now there may be those who look down their nose
At the company I keep
Oh but just to let you know as good people go
If you don't like them you won't like me
You might find the front door propped open wide
But you'll know you've been somewhere been inside

A room full of real live genuine rednecks
Bonafide backwood misfits
Goodtimin' hillbilly lunatics
With cold beer and jukebox music
I don't like crowds but this one's mine
'Cause everybody here is genuine redneck

Good time bonafide real live genuine full blooded redneck

Roll Tide!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright @2010

Genny, Karaoke and Mac Attack

Have not written anything for the blog lately, but it is cool autumn day, the kind I love and life is good. Thought I would take a few minutes to write about what has been happening in my life and just chill.

Work:
Work is work closed out another fiscal year, spent all the money and the Chief of Fiscal gets the credit. Hard to go to work every day when you can retire but being a Nalley I am stubborn and want to outlive the ex before I retire. And besides Genny is working a good 60 to 65 hours a week and never know when she will be totally burned out and need to quit. I think she actually likes it but you would never get that out of her. Obviously she likes a challenge or she would not have married me. She is the big mom of all the crew and takes up for all her co-workers and feels certain once they get the two banks phone system merged all her crew will be given pink slips.

She has had a few offers from contractors so she can get another job, she just worries. Me after receiving my 35 year pin with the government am taking a few more days off. Hope the boss isn't reading my blog but if I wake up and don't really feel like going in I use a mental health day lately. Don't feel bad about it either since I did my time as Genny is now. I have been looking into things to get involved in (business) in case one morning I wake up and decide to call it quits at the VA. I have several ideas' I would like to try out thru Mental Health days before I actually do. I have over a year in sick leave built up. Would be nice to be my own boss and yet still not have to put in a lot of hours, just make up for what the ex sucks out of the atmosphere.

Always talked about doing contracting for the private sector, helping small business break into the government but now I am thinking I don't want to do anything that is even is close to what I have done the last 35 years. If I leave the VA I am currently thinking of 3 part time jobs. Buying excess federal equipment and reselling it, writing a book on the nation's hot Karaoke spots of interest and being a part time Karaoke KJ.

Personal life: Genny has been having some heart problems, it is the one where the heart beats real fast, I think it is from stress, I am trying to get her to quit but she will stay with it till it kills her or she beats it. I think I may have married some kin. After 5 to 6 years dating a lot of crazy women she has really been a god send. Very good woman and takes great care of me. I kid her and tell her if you stress out and die you know I am going to take the insurance money and marry me one of those 53 year women down at the Country Club. She just smiles.

This is a story; she had not been out with me for awhile to do some Karaoke on Friday night and just out of the blue decided to go. They can survive without me tonight she said. Well I swear while a lot of folks (including women) know me down at the county club I usually sit by myself and just clap when I hear a singer sing a good song. Well Genny goes with me and sits next to me at my favorite spot. More women came to my table that night then ever and wanted a hug and to hear what I was going to sing that night. All just friendly stuff and Genny knew that but with each hug she moved a little closer and held my hand above the table. I looked over at her when I sat down one time and she said, I am going to have to go out with you more often so they know you got a woman. Truth is they know that and always asking where Genny is tonight but they just wanted her to know her man needs her more with him. I am the Grandpa, not the stud.

This weekend is my granddaughter (Mackenzie's) birthday and was invited up for the party. Couldn't go getting to old to travel long distance by myself and Genny is working. Charro calls on a regular basis and told me a funny one on Mac not too long ago. It seems she had a little rash and Charro decided to let it air out a little. So she let Mac run nude! She had fixed Chase man some food and looked down to see that Mac had dumped a load on the floor and decided this is cool wonder if you can write with this stuff. Chase man is screaming cause he don't want to come down off the bar stool with crap on the floor and Charro has a hour worth of cleaning to do. She said the worst part was that Brian had told her that he didn't know if letting Mac run nude was a good idea and had to listen to I told you so while cleaning up the floor. Laughed my ass off at that!

Well it is time to put something on the grill. Ya'll be good!

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright@2010

Slum Lord

Ms. Genny and I went to the camp yesterday and it was an excellent day. The weather was just right for a boat cruise and sitting out watching the sun go down over the river. Since we could get out in the day (normally to hot) we got to do that and then decided to play some monopoly. So we read the rules of which it seems several have changed and started playing. Both of us purchased too much land too quick and were running low on reserve funding. I noticed that when she was able to get both the utilities she was rather pleased with herself. Somehow I had the luck of the Irish and didn't hit her land for a few times around the board where as she seemed to hit mine every time she rolled. So I had most of the slums as Genny called it (the low rent district) and she would land on it and owe me 10 bucks rent. Well she didn't have 10 so I would buy one of her properties that she had paid 120 for, for 10 bucks. You got to pay your rent right? So it got down to where I owned just about all the property she had purchased that I was interested in and she hit another one of my properties. Rent due about 20 bucks. So she said how about this property, I said naw I don't want it. I will take one of those utilities however. She said NO and I said you got to pay your rent and that is all I want that you have.

She looked at the board and then me and then stood up and said F it. I will declare bankrupt, in a court of law I will get to keep most of my stuff and then let's see if you get you rent money Mr. Slum Lord!! She then went back to the bedroom to watch some TV. I think I won but not quite certain. I do know she owes me some rent money.

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright@2010

Genny and the Old versus the New

That Genny has an answer for everything! I was lying in the bed sleeping last night; Genny next to me watching television with her TV ears on when something obviously made a noise because baby starts barking all over the place and Genny hits me and says what is that!!!! I say what is what? She said there was a loud noise in the house go check to make sure no one is in the house and that all the doors are locked. I go down in the basement all the doors are locked and no one is down there so come back upstairs. Look at the back deck and see a flower arrangement she refuses to move inside (it has blown over no less than 1000 times) lying on its side. I go back to get in bed and said there is nothing down stairs, the doors are all locked and that damn flower arrangement has blown over again so it was probably that. She says okay.

I said tell me something, what makes it the man's job to go down to face possible danger all the time? Why is it in these days of equal rights the woman can't go down to do it from time to time.

She says because it is the man's job to be the protector of the family it says so in the Bible! I said oh it does huh? Well you remember when we were watching Mosses on television a few weeks ago and they cast him out into the desert? She says yeah. Well if I remember correctly when he was found it was by about seven women and they were taking care of the sheep and protecting them while the old man was back at the tent sleeping or playing checkers or something. I figured I had her there as it got quite for a few seconds then she said: That was the Old Testament, you could get away with stuff like that in the Old Testament but in the New Testament they made it the man's job! Now go to sleep I am watching television!

End of discussion

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright@2010

River Trip and Camper

Genny has purchased us a camper and we enjoyed it this weekend. It all started by accident as we have my boat in a slip on the Warrior at a Marina called Quinn's. We find that we use it a lot more if we already have it on the river and just have to jump in the car to get to it. Little old Lady about 70 owns it and I have known her about 6 or seven years now. She has a restaurant there also, so "women" no cooking necessary. Anyway Genny got to talking to her one night and somehow they started talking about adding camper sites. Ms. Quinn says as a manner of fact I am having two put in on the bluff right now, would you like one? How much? One Hundred twenty five dollars per month with water and electric included! Genny said let me write you a check for about 3 months right now and then she commenced to putting me in charge of finding a camper. Here are a few shots of the camper, the view and the restaurant/marina. We will be pulling this down the next time we go the coast.





 





 





 





 

View coming in at night





 





 

And so we were tooling along the river and realized we just drank our last beer. Genny sees a couple sitting on a swing at a campground and three girls swimming. She ask them if there is a any store for gas and beer up the river and they say don't think so but I have a few beers here if you would like them. We took one a piece and tied up the boat to watch the girls swim and talk. Later he says the wife is about to go to Wal-Mart which is about 15 minutes from here, you want her to pick you up some beer. Of course we say that would be so nice. So we sit and talk and he ask if we are going to continue up the river or head back and I say we going up as long as I don't use over a half tank so I know I will make it back. Genny ask if they would like to go with us and they are excited but now we got to come up with enough life jackets. So the girls and the guy (Genny knows all the names) go ask the rest of the campers if they have some they can borrow. Within a few minutes we have enough and head out. They had a great time and we enjoyed the company. The guy said to his wife as he was shaking my hand as we departed later…..You know I always heard that if someone comes up to you and ask where they can buy some beer that they are regular good folks. I laughed and said yeah, just get you a twelve pack and a few life jackets and sit on the dock every Saturday morning and hold up a few beers as the boats come by. I guarantee someone will take your family for a ride.




The little girl (I called her tater but I think her name was Tatum) took a liking to the old man and wanted to drive.





 





 

We ran up the river about an hour and half and then headed back. They invited us to stay and have fried fish and red beans and rice. (They were from the Louisiana) but I told I appreciate the offer but we had another hour a half to make it back and I wanted to make it back take a nap and maybe do a little River Karaoke later that night. We headed back and about half way back our body batteries started running down. So instead of going out this is what we decided to do and Queen Sheba beat me too it.





 


 

Damn Women

They say you are never too old to learn something new well this weekend I learned to be careful about about letting your woman drive the boat. So we are tooling down the river have a grand old time when Genny ask if she could drive awhile. I say I don't know baby, you think you can handle it. She says yeah let me drive. So I take her thru the steps, this is neutral, back is going back and this is forward. She took it thru the motions to show she was paying attention but she really was only interested in one movement and that was all the way forward. So I look over at her and she is smiling from ear to ear, sitting in the Indian position and driving the boat a little more than really necessary just to see it do curves and such.

Then I see a little bigger smile as a thought crosses her mind and she reaches over slaps me on the butt and says in a man voice, hey baby, how about getting me a beer! So I smile and fetch her a beer. She waits until I get laid back comfortable and says hey baby how about lighting me a cig also.

Damn women get them out of the kitchen and they go crazy on ya!

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright@2010

If You Give Me That

One of my little brothers (Tim) recently sent me the start of a country song he was writing and asked for help. This is what he had so far.

From: TIMOTHY J NALLEY
Subject: Re: Brain Damage
To: "MICHAEL A NALLEY"
Date: Wednesday, September 1, 2010, 12:05 AM

Trying to come up with lyrics to a country song. It starts like this:

I want a woman who has issues,

Issues of Playboy magazine.
And give me a woman who needs tissues,

Can you help?

Tim

So I took this as a personal challenge as I always wanted to write a country song myself. So over the course of a day, I would turn it over in my head and scratch a line on a piece of paper from time to time and that I night I put together.

Title: IF YOU GIVE ME THAT

You know this single life is a tough old road lord

So I figured we should talk a bit

About the woman of my dreams

If that woman does exist

Now some say that I am too choosy

So I cut my list a bit

Chorus

I want a woman without any issues unless they are issues of a men's magazine

I want a woman that loves me for what I am and not what her mother wants me to be

One that doesn't keep records of who was last on top

And one that will still love me, when I say I got to stop

Back to song

If you can give me that for one month lord, I'd die a happy man

I am not trying to be difficult or demanding, just looking for a woman who understands

I want a woman who really loves me and is tired of these one night stands.

I am looking for a do right woman for this honky tonking man

Back to Chorus

End

What do ya'll think? Sounds like a Trace Adkins song to me!

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright @2010

On Loan From God

I was reading my weekly issue of the Bloomberg Business week (Yeah Bubba does read that high brow stuff from time to time) and a quote made by a rich lady (who grew up very poor) really hit me. Her name is Lisa Falcone and her old man is a very rich hedge fund manager. Her outlook on material things is getting more and more in line with Genny and my thinking lately. Do we really need all this "stuff"? Wouldn't we really be happier in our golden years living in a camper trailer and on the road with few bills? I have always wanted to be like that news anchor you use to see on Sunday morning that traveled the back roads of America interviewing folks about the times and their life. I think I have about 5 or 6 different types of jobs lined up to make a little money and most can be done while mobile. Genny likes her work but give her a cell phone and laptop and she could do her job as a consultant from the road.

Maybe a little less money but that only means less tax and less stress. You ever figure out what it cost to go to work? I was amazed how my bank account went up after my surgery and I was home instead of working. Very little gas, wear the same shirt, drawers and pants for days at a time, eat the left over's, etc., a bunch of money can be saved. Anyway here is Lisa's quote

"This is all borrowed Stuff," God kind of loans it to us, and somebody takes it afterward. Am I going to heaven sitting on the couch? Do I take my house with me? No! "But God gave me something that I'm better at than anyone else. And that is being me!"

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

Copyright@ 2010

I owe my Soul to the Company Store

I know some of you think I may exaggerate from time to time as Nalley's have been known to do that, but this time I have back up. This one is sure to beat all other boss stories. Stan Sr. for sure will enjoy this and it even beats some of the bosses Tim has had over the years. Let me give a little background.

Once a year we have what is called a Strategic Planning Summit this year it will be held in September. This is where all us big dogs get together at a fancy hotel and talk about what we see should be our goals to accomplish over the next year and we even vote on it. It does not manner that we achieve few of them other then what we are being graded on nationally, it is the idea of going thru the process, plus it is a day away from the office.

So I have been going to a lot of these ethics in leadership courses lately (something I have always had and get's me in trouble from time to time) and I get this invite to this Summit. I have three choices to choose from. They are attending, tentatively attending and decline. So I am thinking, if some court decisions go my way fairly soon, I am planning on retiring. You never know when something else may crop up and I want to do my Bucket list for a few years. So it really does not seem like the ethical thing to do to say for sure I am attending when my full intention is to retire before then. So what do you choose?????? Yep you choose Tentative.

So I click that button and the response's start coming in.



From: Smith, Phyllis J.
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 1:57 PM
To: Nalley, M. Art
Subject: Strategic @lanning Summit

I noticed that your attendance for the Strategic Planning Summit was tentative. What would prevent you from attending?
Phyllis J. Smith
Associate Director

From: Nalley, M. Art
To: Smith, Phyllis J.
Sent: Wed Jul 14 15:03:36 2010
Subject: RE: Strategic @lanning Summit

I'll be there unless I retire or the lord decides to move me to a new address.

From: Smith, Phyllis J.
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 2:05 PM
To: Nalley, M. Art
Subject: Re: Strategic @lanning Summit

FYI -- anyone that does not accept is required to provide justification to the Director and receive prior approval.
Phyllis J. Smith
Associate Director
Birmingham VA Medical Center

From: Nalley, M. Art
To: Smith, Phyllis J.
Sent: Wed Jul 14 15:15:13 2010
Subject: RE: Strategic @lanning Summit

You know you say I can't tell when you're kidding or not. This time I think you are....but by all means I will accept rather than say tentative and have to provide a justification.

From: Smith, Phyllis J.
Sent: Wednesday, July 14, 2010 2:17 PM
To: Nalley, M. Art
Subject: Re: Strategic @lanning Summit

I'm really not kidding. An email went out a few month ago when the Sept 15th date was established stating this.
Phyllis J. Smith
Associate Director
Birmingham VA Medical Center

So there you go folks, I got to get permission from the VA to die or retire. Sixteen ton's and what you get….another day older and deeper in debt. St Peter don't you call me cause I can't gooooooooooooooooooooo, I owwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeeeee my sooooooooouuuuuuuuuullllll to the company store!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIfu2A0ezq0


Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
Copyright @2010

Dry Humping

When the young ladies reach the 7th and 8th in Woolmarket, they will start letting you explore new territory, but for the majority, you are not going to get that Bra or those pants off. So given that UN movable objects, young man will sometimes improvise. Thus the term dry humping.

As you were making out with the young lady you would lay her down (fully clothed) and begin to slowly act like you were making love. Several benefits were obtained from this action. If anybody walked by the car, they thought you were actually getting some which is good for the image of an 8th grade boy, it was a new form of making out and therefore more exciting, and every once in awhile she would get tried of pretending and actually let you move on to other areas.

Well it was another one of those games at Woolmarket and Randy and Pam snuck off to his car. I’m sure Randy got a little carried away and got too excited. When not with a young lady, 8th grade boys tend to travel in packs. There was about 4 of 5 of us that decided we needed to go to the restroom and piss.

As we entered the restroom, there was Randy with his pants around his ankles, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and hand full of toilet paper. He was wiping out his drawers, trying to remove some excess fluid. We must have surprised him when we entered cause he made the mistake of opening his mouth and the cigarette fell into his drawers. Randy had a predicament! His pants around his ankles, his drawers wet, his left hand full of toilet paper and a lit cigarette in his drawers. He started a new form of dance, got caught up in his own pants and fell to the floor. Ain't none of us going to help him, we just stood there and laughed. We went out to the car and told Pam, Randy may be a little late coming back.

A Man can Mess Up Trying to be Good

You know sometimes a man can be trying to do good and mess up big time. Let me tell you about a recent experience with this.

Just like dog’s piss on tree’s to mark their territory women will leave shit behind. My girlfriend was over last night and I noted that she had in her hands when she came in the door her purse and some hair spray. She placed them on the counter and I would see them every time I got up to go get a beer. It was some white rain hair spray.

So everything is going great if you get my drift and I get the urge to go to the restroom. My medicine cabinet is open and I notice some hand cream and hairspray in it. I know I don’t buy the stuff so I figure it is hers and she left it there from another stay over. I grab it and walk to the living room and say hey baby I think you left this the last time you where here thinking I have saved her some money. She said, well honey you just screwed up as this is not my stuff, but I will say Bambi must have class, as this is the expensive stuff.

Well it got a little cold for a little while and it took me a little while to dig out of that hole. She finally said it would be best if I just shut up because you are not doing anything but digging a bigger hole. So anyway, she left this morning and a few minutes ago I noticed she left that hair spray behind on the counter. She had just left so I could have called her and had her come back to get it. But you know what, that stuff is going into the trash with the other. As I am not taking the chance of making the same mistake again. So when you read this get up and go check your bathroom for little land mines that have been left behind and “never” ask a woman if something in there is hers. Throw that stuff in the trash and if by some chance you forget and she finds something, deny knowing where in the hell it came from. Cause Men are dumb as rocks. Repeat that 10 times a day to her and you should do okay.

Hey I wonder if this line would work? Well baby I am a good host. You know just like you go out and get a six when I come over because you know I like beer; I buy women stuff so you will have it when you come. Naw, wouldn’t work. Next question would be well that is sweet of you but why has some been used? Throw it away now.

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@ 9/31/04