Men ain't from Mars they are from Woolmarket

How you folks doing today? I am doing fine as I have the day off and have already been involved in many chores. One of these chores inspired another story that I thought I would share with y'all. You know, I thought the dumb as a rock act stuff was working pretty well when something happened the other night. I don’t remember what it was that triggered the response from the girlfriend but she stopped in mid-sentence and said, you know what? There is a statute of limitation on that dumb as rock shit. I said yeah but it ain’t an act. So anyway she says she has this book she wants me to read and brings it over.

It is called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I am thinking this is probably one of those Lifetime movie books where the guy is always the asshole and the woman the saint. But I think what the hell, Bubba never has been afraid of expanding his horizons so I figured I would read it. I’m thinking it would make for some good discussion when I tear the book apart later. So anyway, I am about a quarter through it and already figured out she didn’t pay attention to one part for sure. The book states clearly somewhere in the first couple of chapters that men do not appreciate unsolicited advice. It makes us assume the woman must have a low opinion of our ability to solve problems. And we really don’t like it when you give us advice we haven’t even asked for.

So take that knowledge and then convert it to “So does she think I am stupid about women or something?” I kind of figured I have them figured out. It is simple once you understand that anything you say or do there is a good ninety percent chance she ain’t going to like it. But then the end of chapter two put it all into perspective. You see, women are born thinking that they have to improve you. Our problem is we don’t see it as an improvement 'cause if they had any smarts they too would want to be like us. So Bubba thinks, should I be pissed she wants to change me? I don’t think so, 'cause I don’t see me changing, so you got to kind of admire a woman that takes on that big a challenge.

I will write some more on these Men from Mars stuff later, but the sun is starting to come out and I feel the yard calling me so I will finish this story talking about one of my chores this morning.

As you come into my house the first thing you see is a built in table on the left and a washer and dryer on the right. I always stack the laundry stuff on the dryer, as the stuff won’t fit in the cabinets above. It needs to have one of those shelves taken out of it. Now next to the dryer is a door to a pantry where every woman I have dated has put the stuff when they get tired of seeing it stacked on the dryer. Women for some reason like to see a washer and dryer with nothing on it. Go figure! Men like stuff that they can visualize and don’t want to go look for it or take them extra steps. After all, the last thing we like to do is do laundry so we damn sure don’t want to spend extra time looking for the laundry stuff.

So I figure this morning in the sprit of change I am going to compromise. But I am going to do it on my terms. I am not putting the stuff in the pantry;  I am going to take that shelf out and put it directly above the washer where it should be! I figure no big deal the shelf is probably tacked in with finishing nails just hit it with a hammer a few times, clip off the nails with some pliers and you are good to go. Wrong! It turns out that like all things built in 1935 these are built right to last so a groove has been cut and the shelf slides in and you are not going to bang it out. Problem is it will not slide out with the facing and cabinet doors on. You have to take them off. This job is turning into a lot more work then I thought, but I go into it as after all a man has to solve his own damn problems.

So I take off about 5 doors and one facing and see that even with one facing off it is not coming off as one board goes through two shelves, side by side. At this point I am thinking, get the skill saw and cut the mother out, but I can hear some woman saying that looks so tacky. Hell, you can’t see it when the cabinet is closed, woman. So I decide not to cut it out (ain’t worth the grief you will get over it) but I will be damned if I am going to put the stuff in the pantry and admit defeat. Hell no, the stuff is going back on the dryer when I get everything put back together. So at this point I am like a whipped pup, spent half the morning tearing something apart and putting it back together with no results. Something women would say we men do quite often.

So I do what I always do to get inspired: I go out on my front sunroom and sit thinking over the problem. It is then that I realize the error of my ways. You see grocery shopping ain’t one of my favorite things to do. So I don’t go too often and I buy a lot of stuff to ensure I don’t have to. Why buy two pieces of chicken when you can buy a 10 lb bag, etc.

So herein lies my solution. I can still be a man and yet keep the women folk happy. They have that laundry stuff in all kinds of sizes so just buy smaller sizes and buy two of them as you got plenty of room just not enough height for the two gallon stuff.

So all and all, even though I wasted most of a good morning, I am happy with myself 'cause I solved a problem. Something the book says men specialize in. I tell you right now I should have quit thinking about it right then, but no, I have to analyze it. Who does the majority of the laundry in the good old U.S. ? The answer is women. So therefore who would the manufactures of bleach and laundry soap caters to and research?

So herein lays my problem. I was proud of my solution till I figured out some damn woman probably came up with idea. Damn, I am thinking like a woman, you think the next damn thing is I will turn gay or something?

I don’t think so...where is the freaking saw?

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2004

Buying That First Condom

When a young man reaches 15 or 16, he soon realizes the importance of always having a condom in his wallet. Some people learn this from their friends or older brothers, but like most things in life I found out the hard way. I was in a heavy necking session with a young lady one night and was very close to what we called “home plate”…The car was really heating up. Just as I was about to succeed she asked me the damnedest question in a very authoritative voice. Do you have a condom? Well things got cold real quick. You would have thought I had slapped her mamma or something. I tried the old standby answer….You know like I will pull it out, when I get close, but she was not buying that one. She probably heard it before. Well in any event no sex that night. I resolved then, that I would never be in that situation again. I was going to buy some condoms somehow.

Being a military brat, I had an ID and a place called the PX. It was kind of a base Wal-Mart. Well it was well known that soldiers had sex from time to time and that probably would be a good place to buy some condoms. Maybe, they would think I was a young looking troop. I was very nervous but determined when I entered the building. I found the shelf they were located at and found out that not all condoms are the same. They got all kinds of those jokers. Do you want the one that says super sensitive or the heavy-duty type? I figure the guy would go for the super sensitive and the gal wants the heavy duty. They had lubricated and UN-lubricated.

So I am trying to figure out, what to purchase and folks keep coming by looking at me looking at the condoms. Who knows, maybe they weren’t looking, probably busy with their own lives, but when you are buying your first condom, you feel like the whole world had stopped to watch you. You become very paranoid.

So at one point I decide, I ain’t going to do this again anytime soon, so instead of one, I grab the 12 pack. Keep one in the wallet and hide the rest somewhere. I go up front where the cashiers are and look them over. Important to figure out who would be the easiest to buy from cause you might have to be 18 to buy them things.

They had three cashiers working that weekend. The first one looked way too much like my mom. I could just hear the questions she would ask, and would probably tell me to go put them back. The second one was younger, but still looked awful old to me. She didn’t smile much and wasn’t very friendly. The third one was a young black lady, I would say in the early 20’s. Well out of the three, I figured she was the one to make the purchase from. She was closer to my age, her line was moving the fastest (when you’re buying condoms, you ain’t in the mood to chitchat) and she was black. Everybody knows those black folks like to get it on regular…Yep she is the one. I figure I will buy some gum too, since condoms won’t be my only purchase, maybe she won’t notice and I would be out quick.

Well I finally get to the front of the line and I throw my gum and condoms out on the belt. She looks at me and smiles. She rings up the gum and throws it in a bag. She slowly picks up the condom box and lifts them over her head. She yells Maybell (Maybell is the cashier that looks like my Momma) look at dis. Ohhhhhhh honey…he’s planning on having him a gooooood time tonight. Well at this point everybody in all three lines are laughing and looking at me. My face is extremely red, and I feel like I want to run out of there. I just look at her, with a go to hell look. She puts them in the bag and I give her my money. As I am walking out, I can still hear the laughter and giggling going on behind me. Thank God, I got the twelve pack, cause this ain’t something, I would want to do on a regular basis.

I hear they are giving them out at school now. That has got to be a better situation. But with my luck, the young black lady would be the one giving them out.

Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2004

Dry Humping

When the young ladies reach the 7th and 8th in Woolmarket, they will start letting you explore new territory, but for the majority, you are not going to get that Bra or those pants off. So given that UN movable objects, young man will sometimes improvise. Thus the term dry humping.

As you were making out with the young lady you would lay her down (fully clothed) and begin to slowly act like you were making love. Several benefits were obtained from this action. If anybody walked by the car, they thought you were actually getting some which is good for the image of an 8th grade boy, it was a new form of making out and therefore more exciting, and every once in awhile she would get tried of pretending and actually let you move on to other areas.

Well it was another one of those games at Woolmarket and Randy and Pam snuck off to his car. I’m sure Randy got a little carried away and got too excited. When not with a young lady, 8th grade boys tend to travel in packs. There was about 4 of 5 of us that decided we needed to go to the restroom and piss.

As we entered the restroom, there was Randy with his pants around his ankles, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and hand full of toilet paper. He was wiping out his drawers, trying to remove some excess fluid. We must have surprised him when we entered cause he made the mistake of opening his mouth and the cigarette fell into his drawers. Randy had a predicament! His pants around his ankles, his drawers wet, his left hand full of toilet paper and a lit cigarette in his drawers. He started a new form of dance, got caught up in his own pants and fell to the floor. Ain't none of us going to help him, we just stood there and laughed. We went out to the car and told Pam, Randy may be a little late coming back.