Redneck Heritage Network: My Momma gave me Issues

Redneck Heritage Network: My Momma gave me Issues: My momma gave me issues. Is there anyone left except me that remembers the Cuba Missile crisis? I remember it very well since I grew up as...

Marriage 202

Was lying around in bed with Ms. Genny this morning remembering one of the lessons I learned in Marriage 202 I figured may help some of you guys. First of all why does almost every marriage lesson start out with a guy trying to do good? Think back on that a minute and reflect, I know there have been times each of you did something you thought was going to get bragged on and ended up getting you an ass chewing.


Early in the marriage you know those honeymoon days where you call each other constantly I decided to take off early. I was tired and needed a little nap and besides I was going to go by the store on the way home and pick up some stuff and cook my wife supper that night. Genny loved to call if she knew that you were off so I didn't tell her. I went to the store picked up the stuff to cook came home and went straight to bed. After all I was not doing anything but taking a nap and then I was going to cook supper so damn why should I report out and in?

So a couple of hours later I get up start the grill everything working out just about perfect and sitting in my easy chair when I hear her coming up the stairs. So I jump up, give her a hug and kiss and commence to brag on myself cooking her dinner, she smiles, said thanks and continues on to the kitchen. A couple of minutes later I hear her say from the kitchen what time did you get home today? Out of not wanting to hurt her feelings that I would take off to get a nap and not want to hear the phone ring from my baby, I said,,, I think it was sometime around 3:20. Well she stomps out of that kitchen madder than a bear protecting her cub with a cash register receipt in her hand. She shoves it at me and said what does this say? I said it says uh it says 45 dollars and sixty cents for the stuff I picked up today. I am thinking what in the hell I have no idea where this is going at this point but she is pissed about something. She says no right here!!!! Oh that says 12:30PM. So then why in the hell would you be at Food World at 12:30 and it takes you to 3:30 to get home.


Pause: Now I will finish the story in a few seconds but did any of you guys know that they stamp the time on grocery store receipts. Am I the only dumb one in the world? Any of you play Chess? Well then you know the best players have planned out their next 4 moves and the possible moves you could make before making a move. Not a lot of women play the board game but many are very skilled at determining your next several moves. Some of your wife's may already have your funeral figured out.


Men think a lot slower than women you ever notice that? First thing you got to do is remember what the hell you said. There it is, I found it in the story, my answer was I don't know, I think it was somewhere around 3:20. You think that is a good answer? I did and obviously I was wrong. There are several degrees of trouble with women and the first thing a man needs to learn is just when to shut up. That is one we always have a hard time with. So I go with the offensive reversal. That is right the old jump back routine it sometimes works.


I said! It was sometime around 3:20, hell I don't know that they print the damn time out on cash register receipts and I don't look at my damn watch every five minutes to see what the time is!!!!! Impressive huh guys? Remember men when to shut up, no manner what she said back I should have stomped out of the room and stayed with the offensive position. Her response was: You lied to me, why would you lie to me? She has that damn hurt look now, oh hell. I am thinking in my head and I have a flashback of the Army Officer who said in the movie "Because you can't handle the truth"! Now at this point I got to admit, I am totally whipped guys, I am just shaking my head looking at her and wondering how in the hell did this all turn out so bad. I started this off with all very honorable things even had visions of a little sex to top the night off. She tears up a little, stomps to her bedroom and slams the door.


You know what folks I plan to finish the story someday but just thought it would be a lot of fun to solicit your views (how you would have handled it differently, etc, ) I have given you a few hints on where I went from here, see if you can figure it out and most of all was it successful? Is there a successful way to end this story? I want to hear from you women also cause like I regularly say everything I understand about women could be printed on my little finger. Do you have a similar story? Of course you do.


So Honey what time did you get home today?


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2011

I Doesn’t Do It No More

As one of my kin use to say, I don't know if I would have told that on myself, but figure what the heck may help that young confident cocky group coming up or those about to face it. Most of ya'll that have read my blog or know me, know that I had throat cancer on my vocal cords about six years back and had to undergo radiation treatment to get over it. To get my voice back I started singing (something I very seldom did in my younger days) and I got to enjoy it a lot. Somehow you always remember the really tough times of your life and how you fought back. I sung a very weak voice back to full strength and full volume. Those types of comebacks become very special to you. I feel the same way about that old house in Bessemer as it was the beginning of getting my life back.

Well lately I have been sounding like my sister in law Barbara; if you name it I most likely have it. One of the things they tell you at the end of throat cancer treatment is that you will be on acid reflux pills the rest of your life as the radiation weakens that muscle in your throat that closes after you swallow to keep the acid from coming back up in your throat. I could look up the proper name but hell you do the research. I have been on pills for that about 5 years and have had to fight the insurance company at almost every refill. So down the road I find that I am waking up often at night and then the doc puts me through a sleep study and says I have sleep apnea and puts me on a CPAP machine. I have to tell you I don't much care for the CPAP machine but Genny says I snore to loud if I don't wear it. So I try but I find that I take it off sometime in the night and don't even remember doing so.

So it is right about here where the liquor comes in. I have been drinking beer for a long time and have built a high tolerance for it but you very seldom saw me drinking any liquor. Gave that up about Lauren and Greg's age when I would have those flashbacks the next day about making such an ass of myself the night before. You know one of those flash backs where you say I ain't believing I did that shit!

It turns out that another result of the radiation treatment is that your sinus does not drain as well as it use to and especially if you smoke (yeah dumb ass still does). This will leave you with a film of mucus on your throat that makes it difficult to sing. It is kind of funny that every Friday night around six I would get this sneezing attack that would completely open up my head and throat. My voice would become very clear and I would tell Genny the lord is calling me to Karaoke. She would respond well the lord is telling me to go to bed and watch TV, so have a good time.

Trying to think back I think it was another singer who told me one night that the Honey whiskey works real well for removing the mucus from your throat. He got me a shot and it worked great. I had been taking decongestant pills before going out but those things wired me like drinking Red Bull or something. I know that is strange as it makes most people go to sleep. So I got me a bottle and at first would only have a shot right before going singing. As time went on I got to where I wanted a shot right before my last song of the night. One of the side benefits was that when I went home it made me sleep real good which a person who normally wakes up many times in the night due to sleep apnea really enjoys. There are mornings where I really have a hard time getting out of bed due to lack of good sound sleep.

So like any good thing (yeah right) fairly soon it was a shot before going to bed every night and then maybe two, my tolerance building all the time or so I thought. For the last couple of months I have been drinking a fifth every four to five days. Well it came to past that I woke up with a sore throat that didn't seem to go away. I could have dealt with many other health problems better I think but anything with my throat scares me bad. So what does not the brightest bulb in the house do when he gets home every night! That is right numb it with some honey whiskey. Well the throat continues to get worse so I finally break down and make an ENT appointment with the doc that found the cancer the first time. I really hate those appointments as every time they do the scope up your nose and down your throat examination and I knew it was coming if I went in but figured the peace of mind would be worth the pain.

Like all good patients now days I go on the internet and do some research and have determined the cause as acid reflux. I also research the drug I am taking and find that it is the highest rated and that I am already taking the highest does available. So what is the doctor going to do?

The day of my appointment arrives and two nights before I had been depressed about the possibilities of what he would find and have finished off one quarter fifth of whiskey in one night. The throat was twice as bad the next morning. This lady doctor comes in to the exam room and tells me she is Dr. Magnuson's assistant and takes down my symptoms. I have researched this thing to death as my father use to do and promptly tell her it is acid reflux and what the internet said. She smiles reaches over and grabs the nose and throat numbing medicine and says I know he will want to do a scope on you so may as well get you numb now. Oh hell the scope I hate that damn thing.

Now over the last five to six years I have gone thru about 15 of this procedure and I know how deep they go and how long it usually takes. But when Dr. Magnuson's assistant does it this time she spends a long time (maybe twice as long) down my throat and she seems to go deeper. When she pulls it out I say, well? I know based on years at the VA that assistant's or technicians usually have a very good idea of what is going on but it is a big no no for them to tell the patient. That is the doctor's job. She says has your ear been hurting any I say yes, have a hard time swallowing? Yes. She frown's and I ask based on the possibilities "Are those good questions or bad questions doc"? She looks at me with a kind of sad look in her eye and says I am not going to lie to you I am concerned. She leaves and says Dr. Magnuson will be in shortly. It took about what seemed like forty minutes for him to come in and I re-found religion during that time.

So you sit there in that quite room and say in your head this is worse than before, last time it was only you vocal cord, your whole throat was not sore. The cancer has moved into your lymph nodes or something and if so that will be the end of you. So then you start praying and my praying went back in forth with two different messages. The first of course was the biggie, please Lord remove from my body any cancer I may have and restore my health, in Jesus dear name I pray. So then logic would come in and I would say to myself, Art that is kind of a dumb prayer as the Lord takes care of those that listen to him and he has been telling you to give up the smokes for at least 20 years. Accept your fate (man up) and tell the Lord you know what ever may come your way, you know is the Lord's plan for you and you are prepared to accept it. Dear Lord I know I have not been the best at listening to you and I want you to know that I believe in you and I am prepared to live and die as you wish, you have provided me with a good life and I appreciate it, I am prepared to come home if you wish. In Jesus dear name I pray.

So after about three of four of these prayers going back and forth my Doctor comes in the room. A little on Dr. Magnuson. He is cocky no non sense kind of doctor who calls it as he sees it and he don't pull no punch's. I like him as that is the kind of Doctor I need. He comes in and I look him the eye and he says what is wrong. I say I am worried doc; she spent a lot of time in my throat. He looks at the pictures on the monitor and then looks at me for about 20 seconds for the effect. How much whiskey you drink a night? I say two shots (more like four). He says well what you have I can't do a thing for you but you can completely heal it. It will require a life style change. He states you have a very bad case of acid reflux. He says while that whiskey may help you sleep it also relaxes the muscle that closes and keeps the acid from coming up your throat. You drink too much and the acid acts like a blow torch on your throat. What time you go to bed at night. I say 9 o'clock. He says no drinking past six. I kind of smile at that and say six o'clock that all doc? I think I can live with that. He says I am trying to be realistic as I have told you to quit smoking for five years and you haven't paid me any attention on that. I will tell you now that if you don't make some life style changes your cancer is going to come back and I will end up doing surgery to take your voice box out. He then looks over my chart and says I don't see you enough I need to see you regular. Set up an appointment to come see me again in 4 months. I say thank you doc I will pay attention, I will follow your directions I will do it for you, you will see in 4 months. He gets that cocky smile on his face and says you are not doing it for me, I like surgery. I say yeah doc I know that is where you make your real money.

The whiskey is not going to be that hard to quit, hasn't been that long of a habit. The smoking will be the hardest to accomplish but plan to try very hard. I don't want to die before I retire and I want to have few good years of retirement before moving on if possible. So in the words of that famous song…I know you seen me do it before but I doesn't do it no more.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2001

I Have Been Beaten Into Submission

Boys, Men, Girls and Women. You don’ hear me say this often but I have been beaten into submission. A little advice for the men folk.  I know it is against your DNA and everything you have been taught by your male role models, but put you stuff up where “you” can find it (space acceptable to a woman such as the garage) when you get thru with your chore. Why? Because some woman will come along and pick it up for you and put it in a place a man would never think of looking when you try to find it the next time you need it. I know you have heard your woman say…..I am tired of picking up behind you! When you hear that go look for your stuff or better yet immediately ask her what she picked up and where she put it. I’ve been looking for my Miracle Grow Sprayer for the last hour. I thought I left it on the Barbecue Grill. That is a good man logical place to leave it as it is out of reach of the dog and within eyesight as you head toward the garden. You want to guess where I found it? In the closet up under the stairs where Genny has her winter clothes and about a thousand shoes. Now what man in his right mind would place there? The answer is none! Put you stuff up and save yourself some time.

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

@2011

The Night the Nuke Was Coming to Woolmarket, Ms

As I mention in one of my other Stories "My Momma gave me Issues", I grew up for the most part as a Air Force brat and my father was in the Strategic Air Command which was responsible for the plane's and nukes that were to be delivered in the event it was necessary and during the timeframe of my youth it seemed like every other day a possible reason for use by one side or the other came along.

There were so many possible events for the background of this story that the Brothers and I don't agree on which it was but the belief by my father that for sure the nukes were coming one night is the basis for the story.

My father would get a little pissed when we told this story around the fire and laughed because to him it was a very real possibility and he was doing his job to the best of his ability to protect his family. All those years in the service during the cold war trained him to believe that way. There is a good possibility that he knew that some of those times we were a lot closer to the end then any of us imagined.

There came this night where the national news had stated that the Chinese or North Koreans had captured one of our ships and the possibility of War was very likely. During this time the kids that lived home was Edie, Ren, and Tim, and I but we also had a fairly new sister in law named Wanda with a young one called L Stan. Wanda's husband Stan was away at basic training so I was the oldest boy around. I think I was around sixteen.

A few years earlier my father had sold some of his land to the Interstate 10 folks for a new highway and they had spent the last couple of years building it. To do so they had to pump in lot sand out of the river. The sand was piled up about 20 foot higher than the normal elevation and about every 100 or so feet it had a large culvert running thru the bottom of it. Remember that as it becomes important later in the story.

A few years earlier we had also built a garage with two rooms above where all the boys had a bedroom and Dad would bang on the garage door if he wanted your attention about something as we usually had some music on loud. So there came this banging on the door and you could tell there was some urgency involved in it. We say yeah and he says fall out which is military for get your rear end down here now!

We get down in the yard and he hands me a rifle and says get Wanda and L Stan out here (they lived in a trailer next to the house) we need to find a place to hide out for a while as there is going to be a war. Now before I go into this deeper I have got to give a little info on my sister in law Wanda. Wanda has and has always had the most expression in her face of anybody I have ever known. She don't have to talk, you know what she is thinking by the way she looks at you.

So I go to the trailer and bang on the door and she opens it. I say to Wanda we got to go hide out a while as Dad thinks someone is going to nuke us. I have thought about that expression that was on her face many times over the years and my interpretation of what I saw in her face was oh lord what kind of family have I married into here! But she get's L Stan and falls out into the yard with the rest of us.

We look around and Dad has gone back into the house. We are all exchanging stories on guessing what the hell is going on when Dad comes out the house with a pillow case filled with can goods and his 12 gauge shotgun. He told us what was going on and that there was a very good possibility of a nuke hitting Biloxi any moment. Biloxi was about 10 miles away and it had a large base he was sure would be targeted.

Someone ask where we going Dad and he says we are going to hide out in one of those culverts under the interstate. So we get to the culvert and he sends me in first as my job is to guard the other end of the culvert while he takes the one toward the house. He says when the nuke hits there will be a rush of people trying to find shelter and we have limited food. It may become necessary to defend our bomb shelter. So now we are all in the culvert for about 45 minutes and I am looking out over the area expecting either the enemy or the neighbors to be charging the culvert but I don't see anyone. After about an hour this becomes a little boring so I yell to the other end of the culvert "Dad I don't see anybody coming". He yells back boy that nuclear bomb drops you going to see a whole bunch people wanting this culvert!

The time limit we stayed there in that culvert that night varies depending on who you ask varies but Dad eventually figured it was safe to go back to the house as a nuke was not coming that night. I seem to remember that someone got hungry and Dad realized he left the can openers back at the house. The all clear was called and we all went back to the house.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2011

You Do What with Them

I was about six or seven and ran out of stuff to get into one day so I snuck into my Mom and Dad's bedroom to snoop around looking thru their Chester drawers. Well I ran across this box with a big Peacock on it and opened it up. To my surprise the thing was filled with what I thought were balloons. I am thinking Mom and Dad probably hiding them in here for use at the next birthday party or something.

You know what would be fun? I need to grab some of these and make me up a bunch of water balloons to throw at the neighborhood kids. Yeah that would be fun!!! So I head to the bathroom and start filling them up one by one with water. I had a lot of fun; I had already thrown about five or six of these things and was back in the bathroom doing a re-load when my father walked in.

He said what in the heck are you doing boy? I said I am making me up some water balloons. He said those ain't balloons boy, don't you know what you do with those things? I just looked at him with a blank stare when he said "you put them on your dick". He grabs the remaining ones and leaves the bathroom.

I remember thinking long and hard about why in the hell would you put one of those things on your dick? You are going to have to take it off when you pee. Well I wear rubber boots in the snow maybe the bigger folks wear one of these on their dick to keep it from getting wet and cold. In any event it was several years down the road before this cotton top little boy figured out the real use of those things.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2011

My Momma gave me Issues

My momma gave me issues. Is there anyone left except me that remembers the Cuba Missile crisis? I remember it very well since I grew up as an Air Force Brat whose father was in the SAC. No the SAC had nothing to do with a quarterback it stood for the Strategic Air Command. The SAC was the boys and gals that carried the big boys (nuclear bombs) during the cold war.

During the timeframe of the Cuban Missile crisis and into John Kennedy being killed we lived on an Air Force Base called Bunker Hill in Indiana. Those were the days where they had us school kids practice for the big one dropping by getting under our school desk. When the crisis came along I don't remember much of what lead up to it but I remember the results.

My father disappeared and 24/7 you could hear the bombers circling the base, taking off and landing. The first order of the day was to restrict all the "dependents" to their quarters so they could find them quick if they needed to. Well as it turned out the possible end of the world and a few rules was not enough to keep the wives from getting together for a card game and discussion about the events.

So I come out of my room and walking thru the living room when I hear my sweet momma say, "You know Henry and I lived in Japan right after the war and there was a lot of talk about the Koreans invading. But I can tell you what, before I let them Russians get my babies I will kill them in their sleep. "

To say the least when I heard kill and babies my hearing perked up. I remember thinking damn Mom, I know I am a little boy but give me a butter knife or something and let me fight them till I die. Let me go down like John Wayne!!!!  You going to kill me in my sleep? That was the beginning of my many issues. That is where I lost the will to sleep a lot and the desire to have a great time while awake. After all the Russians could still come any minute. Hey you got to blame it on something right?

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network
@2011

Don't Take the Chance of Adding to the List

Advice to the Young clip 1

Back in 2003, my Niece (Abby) was getting married to a young man named Wes and I had just finished up a divorce and didn’t have a lot of money left for gifts. So her father suggested I make them an Advice Video Tape instead. I found it kind of humorous thinking about a recently divorced man giving advice to newlyweds so I took on the challenge. The idea for the tape was to get it there in time for it to be played at the rehearsal dinner. Don’t know that it was played or not.

The first clip is about learning what it is that makes your new bride pissed (since most often they won’t tell you) and insuring you don’t mistakenly add to that list. A short clip of the tape is attached to this message. Hope you enjoy.

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

@2011

Tarzan/Ren/Titty Babies and the Tree Adventure

Although little brother is about fifty now I still call him little brother. He is the fifth of five boys. Yep five boys and you can imagine a lot of activity around the Nalley house with them ranging in age from Teenager to Titty Baby. What is a Titty baby? Well in boy (young man terms) that is a no account young un that can't hang with the big boys or do big boy things. It was the ultimate insult when used. My grandfather Daddy Buck use to use it when you would act up to let you know you were not ready for manhood yet. Why you are just a little Titty baby get on out of here! You need to go in with the women folks. Titty Baby!

That being said the ultimate goal in life at that time was to be considered a big boy and Ren just happen to be the youngest and the smallest of a long line of boys. Therefore he stayed a Titty Baby longer as he had no replacement coming along to take his place. While it may mean one less pork chop to go around the table it was nice when you had a little brother come along that you could turn to and say, get away from me you are just a titty baby!

So we lived out in the country on twenty acres of land with about another 60 behind that was open range. I was about 13 years old, my friend Beryl was also 13 and the brother just younger than me (Tim) was around 11 and we had the summer off from school. I think Ren was around 6 or 7. We would entertain ourselves by either watching a movie on TV or playing in the woods and building forts. Forts were sacred places much like an adult man cave in the house. It was a place where you could discuss the important things in life like young women; you could chew tobacco or even smoke a cigarette from time to time. The last thing you wanted around during any of these activities was a titty baby and especially Ren. Ren could keep no secrets and he is still not too good at it today. We called him the mouth of the south cause if he heard or saw it Mom and Dad would soon know about it also. That kind of stuff can lead to spankings.

So we would build a fort that summer and Ren would find it and jump out of the bushes yelling I found your fort, I found your fort….ha ha, I found your fort. He was a royal pain and we would then run him off and go look for another location. We would build another fort and a week later up he would come with another I found your fort business.

Well we had moved to about four locations when he popped up one day and it got on our last nerve. This rebuilding forts is getting old and we have to do something to highly discourage him from this action again.

So what to do, what to do? Well it just so happened that all of us had stayed up late the night before watching a Tarzan movie. We remembered a few scenes in it about what the African Natives had done to some explorers that crossed the line into their territory. They captured them and then a bunch of them pulled down the tops of some big old tress. They tied (one by one) the invaders arms and legs to each of the two trees and then let em go. They didn't actually show them splitting but I remember hearing those screams as they went into the air and the ropes got tighter and they were split into.

So Beryl, Tim and I look around and we have rope and plenty of trees. Hey Tim , go get him and Tim went out and ran him down and brought him back. Now even thou Beryl was only 13 he was big ole boy and probably weighted around 200 then. We picked out a few pine trees that would do and up Beryl would go till he got to the top then he would hold on and let his weight pull the tree down. We would then tie off the top of the tree to another tree to keep it bent and Beryl went up another. 2^nd tree secured now time to tie up the victim.

WE tie one leg and one arm of Ren to each tree per the instructional video shown the night before on Tarzan. As we tied the last leg of Ren up he said I am going to tell Mom and Dad about this! I said hey Titty Baby there ain't going to be enough of you left to tell anyone anything!

Back then it was the custom that you do everything on the count of three so the drum roll began. ONE! At one Ren closed his eyes tightly as he knew this was not a good situation. You see he had seen that Tarzan movie also! At the two count he looked as if he had found religion and was now praying hard. On the count of three we untied the ropes holding the trees down and up Ren and the Trees go.

Is Ren a past brother? Naw he is still around and still the mouth of the south. You see we didn't have enough natives to pull down big tree's so we had tied him up to two pine trees about 14 feet tall. They were not big enough to do the job. However, Ren was about 4 feet in the air and spread eagle with his eyes still closed tightly. He eventually opened his eyes and was very surprised and happy that he was still alive. He then began to get cocky and started mouthing off again. I am alive, I am alive, and I am going to tell Mom and Dad. Well Duh? Hey titty baby you are still 4 feet in the air spread eagle and tied securely I think it is a little premature to get cocky on us. So we left him tied up to become a little humble.

About every half hour one of us would walk over and ask him if he still planned on telling Mom and Dad. Well as I recall it took about two hours to get him to swear several oaths that he would not and we untied him and sent him back home with his lesson learned.

I don't remember getting a spanking out of this so one of the several oaths must have worked.


Art Nalley
@2011
Redneck Heritage Network




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwHWbsvgQUE&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwHWbsvgQUE&feature=related