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Thursday, December 4, 2014

You Say What Dear?

I am still working on the tractor but had to stop a second to write this down before I forget. Men and Women (most often women) accuse the opposite sex of not listening to the other. I don’t know how many times in my lifetime I have been told by a woman: I told you that and you didn’t listen to me! Well there is a stage two of this condition as you get older you may be listening to your spouse but not hear correctly what they are saying.

I have the tractor running…..clap loud, but notice no oil pressure. I actu
ally read the service manual and find that you need to prime the oil pump on old cubs anytime you have removed all oil from the system. There is a little hole you use to prime it on the left side so I needed a funnel. Now having been trained early in life that you don’t use a woman’s tools I knew better then to take one of Genny’s funnels. So I figure I will run down to Big Lot and buy a cheap set for the garage. I go up to brush my hair and ask Genny if they sell funnels at Big Lot.
Her response was, how many of the damn things do you need, you got one under your computer desk and one lying on the floor in the garage? I look at her and am thinking……I got a damn funnel under my computer desk? So I ask the question and a little louder, you say I have a funnel up under my computer desk? She says oh funnel, they are in the third drawer under the silverware in the kitchen.

I have no idea what it is she thought I said, maybe I should go up and ask. I l
ooked under the computer table and then the garage floor and didn’t see anything that matched.

So I went to the dollar general and they didn't have a small enough funnel so was looking around the house for something else to use. I ran across the perfect thing. It is an attachment to Genny's hand held steamer. She uses it to take wrinkles out of certain clothes. It would work great and save me a trip down to Wal-Mart to get an oil can (I use to h
ave one but have no idea where it is at) and in my younger days I would have used the steamer attachment. But being an older and wiser man think I will go buy and oil can and squirt the oil into the hole like the cub site forum suggest. But you younger bucks could get away with it in the same situation as young bucks get away with more. Just look the wife in the eye and say, baby you know men are dumb as rocks, I had no idea what that thing was for or that it would mess it up to pour oil thru it. Warning thou, it only works one time and it cost and you have to buy a new one of what ever she uses the steamer on. That seven dollar oil can could cost you sixty bucks or more.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2009

Tractor Short and the Sleeping Mind

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It is amazing how the mind works especially and older model like mine. You can solve the most perplexing problems in your sleep which is a good thing if you can’t figure them out awake. I have the tractor put back together and as soon as my new gas strainer bowl is delivered (hopefully today) I will have that bad girl running and showing it off around the neighborhood. But first I had a problem.

When I went to hook up the battery I have a whole lot of sparking, not good. So I must have a short somewhere but where. Damn Art you labeled all the wires when you took it off and they all stayed on the wire till you hooked them up but one. But that one was the longest wire and there was only one thing left to hook up when to that point and it was the only wire long enough, so you have a good chance of having got that right too. This has been going on for the last couple of days, I have looked over the wiring a few times but could not figure out what I did wrong but every time you try to hook up the battery big spark. So in my dreams last night I see a picture like below with the following statement and I believe I heard a voice also but can’t remember




<<<<<<<This is where the short is Dumb Ass






The picture showed the wire going from the positive post to the starter touching the starter itself in addition to the starter post and therefore shorting the system.So I get up this morning grab my 5/8 inch wrench and a cup of coffee and go down to look. And I will be damn if that wire was not exactly like the picture said it was. I moved it ninety degrees to the right and re-tightened it. Hook up battery and no spark. Turn key, pray, pray some more and pull starter rod. Starter turns over and no short. I will have her running within the week. Life is good. Now if I can only get that one part I need delivered today I will get her running

Here is how she looks now!


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2009

Government only moves backward

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Last week I received these little green postcards that told me it was time to get new tags for my cars of and course pay the tax to get them. I noticed real low dollar amounts on both of them, the Mustang was $11.20 and the old truck $6.25. I remembered the taxes being less in Tuscaloosa County versus Jefferson but I said damn, didn’t think there was that much of a difference. So Friday about 11:30 I head out to see the tax man.

I stand in line for about 30 to 45 minutes and I finally get my time at the window. I ended up with a young college boy, who I could tell was fairly intelligent. I hand him my cards to start working on the paperwork and I say hey look, I think my boat taxes are due next month, how about you include them and let’s get it all over for the year. He looked up and said you can’t pay your tax till it is due; you will have to come back next month. I said humm I ain’t never seen a tax man that wouldn’t take my money in advance. I am sorry sir you are going to have to come back next month. Okay let’s get this car tag done then.


He looks at the dollar amount at the bottom and then goes to the back to see his boss. He comes back and says sir the reason these are so low is that you must have moved into the county in March and this is just for one month. I said okay, I thought it was too good to be true so figure it up for thirteen months. I can’t do that sir, I have to issue you a tag for one month and you will have to come back in April. The people behind me groan, like I ain’t believing he said that.

I just look at him. I got to come back in April? Yes sir. Let me ask you this, if I close up this checkbook and walk out of here and come back in April you going to sell me a tag for 12 months? He said no sir we would notice that you had not paid your tax for March and we would back charge you. I started chuckling and said you realize what you just said and he smiled looked back at his boss’s window and then looked me in the eye with a smile and said around here we only go backwards sir.

So I have two new tags good for a month, don’t seem worth putting on, I am sure there will be some little green cards in the mail soon and when I go back to stand in the line for another 30 minutes, he will then have to re-do some paperwork and will probably issue me another metal tag since this is metal tag year. Go figure.

Art Bubba Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2009

What Women Really Want Patient #234654387623312





Since the dawn of man, we as men have been trying to figure this out and over the history of the world, everyone has fell short of getting it down pat. I have to tell you now I suspected the answer before but it never really sunk in till recently. Sometimes it has to hit you upside the head a few times before you pay attention. Now you young stud's may think it’s your lovemaking ability or your job, money or your good looks but you are living in a false universe that is nowhere close to reality. I still have all of the above but it is not called on as often as this one thing. Now children I know you don’t like to hear about this stuff (while thinking about your parents) but she even has requested it immediately after sex.

I am telling you this is the equivalent of a man asking for his woman to get him a cold one!

The women reading this probably already know the answer but you guys are still clueless.

All a woman wants is a good regular back-scratching. They don’t care if you're watching the National news, up goes the shirt and the command of please scratch my back comes out of their mouth. It is hard to figure out all the worlds’ problems when you have to listen to commands such as left, right, little more, up, down, ahhh. They really do like it more than sex. If you don’t believe me, take a bath, brush your teeth, shave, take her to a nice dinner then come home and offer her one of two things. Just for you babe, I am going to give you a choice tonight…….Would you rather have sex or your back scratched? I will bet you good money if you present it as an either-or, you won’t be getting any sex.

Now there has to be some money in this as there are a lot of women in the world without any regular man or without a man that will really give them what they want as often as they would like.

A need exist for a Strap on, lightweight, voice-activated recognition system, battery and AC run back scratcher. The time has come. It was not possible to build one before as the ones developed did not have any voice recognition capability so therefore it just scratched at random. Take my word for it when a woman is getting her back scratched she wants something that follows directions and would pay anything for that. All you have to do is make the promise that the product will follow instructions and that it is currently 50% off the normal pricing.

I have two brothers that are engineer’s one mechanical and the other electrical and that is two of the three skill sets we need to put this baby on the market. Of course, I will handle the promotion. Got an idea for an ad I can start with placing an ad on the dating sites. I figure it is smart to start with the women you know don’t have a back scratcher and then work into the I got one but he doesn’t work to well market.

Ladies do you really want the rest of this package to get what you truly desire? Do you really need or want a man? Or is what you really need a great voice-activated and dependable back scratcher? For a limited time only and at 50% off we have exactly what you desire and can provide 24-hour service. Guaranteed or your money back and that is a lot better deal then what it will take to maintain him!





Art “Bubba” Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

Your First Mind

One of the nice things about growing old is you start to see humor in all things. I guess it is because you have been through so much stuff that it takes a very deep cut to upset you anymore. You get more upset with you losing your keys are glasses then anything else. So anyway…living where I do I get to mingle and explore all kinds of different cultures. My neighbor (A black single guy) has become one of my better friends. We love to work out in the yards on a good hot day and then take a break under my pecan tree and have a few brews talking world events, women, fishing and women. You know the important stuff.
When I was dating Mary we were moving in and we met Marvin for the first time. She instantly sized him up and said he is going to be a good neighbor to you as you two even walk alike. We seem to have this unplanned cycle going where we date women who drive the same color car. As in I see your green car dropped by last night.
This neighbor on his own came over and cut my grass during the time I had cancer cause he knew I didn’t feel like it. I told him thanks one time and he said well last thing you want is a white guy living next to you that don’t keep up his place. Brings down the value of the neighborhood.
So yesterday we were going to go fishing on the river. And like always when I am going to take the boat I hook it up and run the motor a little just to make sure it is going to run when I get to the river. It always starts and I have not had any problems with it for the last couple of years. So Marvin is cutting his grass and I turn over the boat motor and it does not start. I pull the plugs but can’t turn the key to see if I can see any spark without help. So I go wave and holler at Marvin to come over and turn the key while I check the plugs. He was looking forward to fishing as the last time I took him out it was according to him the only time in his life he had been out fishing on a boat. He always fished from the shore. I let him drive a little and he was smiling from ear to ear that day. Every time I come over and he has a few friends over he has to talk about the time he got to drive the boat. So he turns the key and no spark. I say this ain’t good Marvin no spark. He said you come turn it over and let me look. I do and he says yep, no spark. I go back and we look at the motor and talk about various things to try.
I said you know I know it is getting juice to the motor cause it is turning over so most be that magneto. He said we can pull that top off and look at it as it may be something simple and we can fix it. I said yeah I do think it is something simple as it ran too good the last time I was out. But….I am afraid that if I mess with it I will turn a 50 dollar repair into a 500 dollar repair.
He stepped back scratched his head and said yeah, sometimes you have to go with your first mind. I started laughing and said YOUR FIRST MIND? He said yeah you know like the first thing that comes to your mind. I said yeah Marvin you are right and the most important thing in life is knowing when to pay attention to YOUR FIRST MIND and when not too. He put on his thinking look and then in about 15 or so seconds he smiled and said yeah. YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!
Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2006

Steak Surprise

Lord please help me thru this night as Genny is trying to sophisticate me again. I am working on the tractor and she says how would you like to throw some steaks on the grill tonight. Stupid question don’t you think as a man is always ready for a good steak. I think about that steak the whole time I am finishing up what I am doing on the tractor. Wonder if she went down to the little store in McCalla that sells those inch thick Rib eyes. Ummm!!!!
So I go up take my shower and go to the kitchen to see if she has the steaks ready. I don’t see them around and then I notice this little TV dinner thing like you would get at the Deli with tin on the bottom and plastic on top. So then I pull the top off to look at the meat, well it is thick so that’s good but what in the hell is that stuff in the middle and why is it tied with rope around the outside. Genny Lynn has been reading some damn cooking book again. It has some cheese inserted in the middle with some kind of green stuff. There is this friend of ours who will take a 25 dollar steak and put cheese on it and I look at her like she lost her mind every time she does it. So now we going to add some spinach also. Has the woman lost her mind?
I am sure some where in the Bible there is a rule against doing that. It just ain’t right! So Genny is taking a shower and I go in with my little Deli thing and say what is that in the middle of the steak. She tells me and I say how am I suppose to cook this? I ain’t checked out on cooking steak with cheese in the middle and rope tied around the edges.
Just like you do the regular ones dear…..Art it will be okay I promise. You want me to take the cheese out of yours? No…I will be 55 fairly soon and I don’t want to die without experiencing steak with green stuff and cheese in the middle. How many beers I got left in the frig….
Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

Bubba on Life and Karaoke

It’s the morning after a night of Karaoke and I just sitting around reflecting back on the good time I had last night. It was during this reflection that I realized I have never done a story about the experience of Karaoke.
For a long period of my life, I very seldom went to a bar for entertainment even thou much of my teen life was spent at one dancing the night away. I would have much rather just spent the night watching television and cooking out being in bed somewhere close to 8. For a short time after my divorce, I went to a few bars but found the music had changed a lot and my social skills needed work.
So I signed up for match.com to meet some women but still very seldom took them to a bar. I took them to eat, the river or a movie and then a big event happened in my life that changed a lot. I got throat cancer and couldn’t talk much at all. I went thru about 9 weeks of radiation treatment that basically deep-fried my throat and during most this time it was to get treatment go home and go to bed.
As the effects starting wearing off and I got a little energy I ask my doctor one day will my voice ever come back as my voice is very important to make a living? He said it may never be the same as it was but it will come back you just have to push it to make it come back strong. So I thought about how to go about that and realized the best way to do it was to sing. Especially those songs that make you go thru several vocal ranges. So I would sit at the computer play my music and sing. Blues, Country, Hip Hop, Rap whatever my voice could do that night and it sounded terrible but the voice after getting a very sore throat would come back just a little stronger each time. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and really didn’t feel like finding a replacement any time soon. I found that after a while you can only watch so much Godfather and Rocky movies till you start to get bored and look for something to do. So I started thinking about going to the local Karaoke bar for some entertainment.
At first I would go and just sit and watch not yet quite drunk enough or brave enough to get up and sing. And most people at the point would say why not Bubba those Karaoke singers if that is what you want to call singing can’t sing any better. You see when most people hear the word Karaoke they think of American Idol clips where they show those really bad singers for entertainment. But let me tell you quickly that has not been my experience. Sure you will get a few of them in around midnight who are trying a new song and too drunk to see the words but the majority of the regulars could have been a professional if they had looked differently, been younger or had been given a better hand in the game of life.
They are lovers of music and lyrics and each sings songs that reflect on their life at the moment. You can tell a lot about a person by their selection of a song to sing. Up to the mike is that little country girl who will not look at the crowd cause she is so nervous and just flat scared to death. She starts singing and you can’t believe how beautiful and strong a voice that little frame has. She hears the crowd saying wow listen to that and you can see her confidence build. By the end of the song you feel like you are watching a Gretchen Wilson concert as she struts her stuff and works the crowd. And then there is the mechanic who sings 16 tons perfectly. There is this tall black guy that can sign every Temptations song there is. I could go on and on but let’s just say there is a whole group of very different characters that come out nightly singing a wide variety of songs. And then you have what we call those one hit wonders. They know and sing one song very well but after a while that one song gets old.
Blues, Country, Rock and Roll, Rap it is all the same to a singer as it is the lyrics first and then the music man. Even if you don’t see yourself ever getting on stage just buy yourself a Karaoke disk of you favorite songs and play it on your TV reading the words. You will soon realize those songs are about either what you are or what you wish you were. They are about common experiences we have all been thru in life. One I like to sing that the crowd seems to love lately is a song by Trace Adkins titled Songs About Me. It really pushes your voice. A guy asks him in the song what he does for a living and he says I sing Country mixed in with a little Rock and little blues. The guy says what ever made you want to sing songs like that! And he says…..
I just looked at him and laughed and said cause they are songs about me and who I am, songs about living and loving and good hearted women and family and God. They are all songs about me, songs about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
And as everyone that knows me knows me is one of my favorite folks J
So getting back to my beginnings of singing Karaoke every new person starts with what they know. I thought I understood comedy and I knew I understood Divorce. The voice was still very weak and would go in and out when trying to reach certain ranges. Lung capacity was not the best either. So I needed to work the voice, I enjoyed the company and felt they would not care too much about voice as long as I made them laugh I would be popular. So I finally got up one night and turned in a song. It’s title was You ain’t leaving thank God are you. It is a divorce song and the crowd really loves it especially one part which goes like this:
Till Death do us part, that is what she told that preacher man, now she says this ain’t worth dying for, you know she has had all she can stand. She boxed up Momma’s China it loaded on the truck, she just got started packing and I am thinking well this could SUCK!
Now because I bathed and could listen fairly well I had a few of those one tooth wonders hitting on me every time I would go singing so I had to figure out a way of letting them know I may be a country boy but I still got standards. At the time a real popular song was Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson. Cletus Judd came back with a Parody called “Paycheck Woman” that solved the problem. So the KJ and I made a pack one night that every time a woman sang Redneck Woman he would put me up next singing Paycheck Woman.
I want a paycheck check woman, don’t want welfare broad all the chicks I date are lazy I say hey ya’ll get a job!
The men in the room absolutely loved that song and the one tooth wonders did not come around anymore. This song was my beginning to being a person that people actually walked up to and asked if I was going to sing tonight. You know you have the singers respect when they quit talking to listen to you sing. They would say hey you going to sing about that Paycheck woman tonight?
In a carpet mill or a truck stop even if it is for minimum wage. You can hang buck naked from a big brass pole as long as you making tips.
So I was about to break out into more types of music when I ran across my next song on a Karaoke disk I had purchased to learn some songs by Meryl Haggard. There was a song on it sang by someone I had never heard of whose title was Hillbillies. I loved the lyrics (Remember it is the lyrics man) and it really pushed your voice. The idea being to sing others the rest of night and really blow out your voice singing Hillbillies right before you leave.
Hillbillies do it in the hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Tractors pulled out in the yard,I say you and me take it down to the barn
Bring some of that chicken and some of that pie
We could be there all night long
You know how we get it on
Cause Hillbillies love it in the hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
I had dated a few women during this time but none all that interested in going out for a night of Karaoke but then I started dating this woman who lived out in Clay clean over the other side of town. She really liked this singer named Josh Turner and he sang this song called No Rush. She would play it over and over any time she got the chance so after a while I had it down in my head. I go to pick her up one night and she asks if it would be okay to go to a local bar and meet some friends of hers. I said yeah sure and it just so happens the place is doing Karaoke that night. I was a little nervous thinking about singing in front of her co-workers as she has a habit of bragging on me and making me sound just a little better then I actually am. I figured start off with something easy (no large vocal changes) and do something new to me. You can only get better as the night goes on and you start singing the songs you know and have done a couple hundred times. So the first Song I sang on a date with Genny was No Rush by Josh Turner. Real low deep voice and easy to sing.
No Rushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooo Rush, we got forever baby just making up.
Bring it on down to the speed of love, Nooooooo Rush.
I don’t remember what her friends thought about it but do remember that Genny was very impressed and I had now hooked her on Karaoke. She started singing on her way home every night practicing songs and she has a very good voice. She would not sing however in the beginning with out me there as back up. I didn’t mind as this now means I get to sing twice as much. First my song then a song with her for her song. But now I have to learn some duets and how to harmonize. Blending two voices’ is a lot harder then one would think. Practice, Practice and more Practice. One night I am singing (I always get lucky with you) and she walks up and sings into the mike with me. Our first Duet. Only it was not written as a duet. We do several songs like that . She sings one part, I sing another and then we both sing other parts. It is unusual to see someone do that when the song was not written as a duet so the crowd tends to like it. So we had to get to work learning what were to become our signature songs as Duets.
Jackson by Johnny Cash and June Carter
Dixie by Hank Williams and Gretchen Wilson
Drunker then Me by LoneStar
When I finally had a woman who would sing with me I knew I had a keeper as Karaoke and singing is very important to my mental health and attitude. Last night we practiced a few times at home and then went to the Country Club to sing the Ray Charles version of Georgia. We rocked the place man, had them standing up and cheering at the end. We have this one guy who dresses like and sings Elvis so I took my sunglasses for that one. I just put on the shades, closed my eyes and tried to become Ray Charles with Genny singing backup. Our voices blended nicely. It was a great Karaoke night. I figure Obama will have us sing the song at his inauguration party…. Listen to that white boy sing. There is something about singing that just makes you feel good. Ya’ll try it as once you try Karaoke you will never go back to going asleep at 8 on a Friday night. Wonder if Elvis will be there tonight honey?
Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

Bubba on High Finance


I was watching the National News tonight (as I always do) and heard about the government and AIG. Genny was walking by and made a comment about being in distress and said I wonder if they will buy me out. I said baby, I agree with what you are saying but this one is different. In those other cases you have heard about lately the government purchased what they knew was bad paper (defaulted loans) but in this case the government purchased 80% of AIG, so technically the government has a chance of eventually breaking even or making some money. That is a better deal for the taxpayer.
She said oh……and I was proud of having given my sweet britches some worldly knowledge on high finance, (you women need a man for that) and then my memory kicked in. Damn thing don’t usually work when I want it to.
Way back I think in the late 80’s or 90’s the IRS proved back taxes due to the sum of several million dollars by the owner of the Mustang Ranch in Nevada. I read all about this in the Reader’s Digest and as ya’ll know they are a step or two above the National Enquirer. For you folks that don’t know the Mustang Ranch did not raise horses. They were a legal (by the laws of NV) house of prostitution.
So anyway the government sized this business for back taxes (if you owe 2 million in taxes how much did you really make) and took over the operation while going thru the court system for collection of the tax debt. Long story short the government ran a very profitable business in the hole. No pun intended….. well maybe so. They ended up selling the Ranch in an auction and lost money on the collection.
Now Ole Bubba has years of experience studying overhead claimed on a many a different pricing proposals to provide services to the government. While not experienced at running a whore house I can imagine their overhead would be a lot less as it is not a resource one can wear out or overly use.
So now the government owning anything scares me more then all that bad paper. What’s the answer no bail out’s period. Suck it up and move on.
Comments?
Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

If You Don't Know I Ain't Telling You

Although this starts off talking about Karaoke this is really more of an inquiry into a possible understanding of the opposite sexes mind. That is if it is indeed proven that they have one.

Well anyway, it’s was Saturday and I am down at the Karaoke Bar. I walk up to get a beer and the owner of the bar is sitting there with two good-looking women, well one a half good-looking women. So he says how you doing tonight Art. I said I am doing well but it is obvious I need to buy a damn bar somewhere? He smiles and says why is that Art? Cause I had always heard it was the singers that got the good looking women but it appears the Bar Owner gets first pick. (That is smooth huh) So they laugh and I turn to walk off when I hear the owner say, that Art is one Karaoke signing Mother. So I stop in mid step and turn and lean over to one of the two and say tell me something…. Karaoke signing mother…is that good or bad. She said it all depends on how he says it.

I say but and she said, “if you don’t know I ain’t going to tell you”. Now this ain’t the first time I have heard that statement folks. I have heard it at a few other critical junctions of my life. Now them damn women will be with their lady friends talking about how men just don’t have a clue or understand them, but when we try to obtain their wisdom they say…if you don’t know I ain’t going to tell you. So you know what my man answer is to that. You want to know why I know “everything”…huh??? Do you? Cause if I admit I don’t I am going to have to listen to some bullshit like if you don’t know I ain’t telling you. And that is all I have to say about that.


Art “Bubba” Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2006

Bubba on Life and Karaoke

It’s the morning after a night of Karaoke and I just sitting around reflecting back on the good time I had last night. It was during this reflection that I realized I have never done a story about the experience of Karaoke.

For a long period of my life I very seldom went to a bar for entertainment even thou much of my teen life was spent at one dancing the night away. I would have much rather just spent the night watching television and cooking out being in bed some where close to 8. For a short time after my divorce I went to a few bars but found the music had changed a lot and my social skills needed work.

So I signed up for match.com to meet some women but still very seldom took them to a bar. I took them to eat, the river or a movie and then a big event happened in my life that changed a lot. I got throat cancer and couldn’t talk much at all. Went thru about 9 weeks of radiation treatment that basically deep fried my throat and during most this time it was get treatment go home and go to bed.

As the effects starting wearing off and I got a little energy I ask my doctor one day will my voice ever come back as my voice is very important to making a living? He said it may never be the same as it was but it will come back you just have to push it to make it come back strong. So I thought about how to go about that and realized the best way to do it was to sing. Especially those songs that make you go thru several vocal ranges. So I would sit at the computer play my music and sing. Blues, Country, Hip Hop, Rap whatever my voice could do that night and it sounded terrible but the voice after getting a very sore throat would come back just a little stronger each time. I had recently broken up with my girlfriend and really didn’t feel like finding a replacement any time soon. I found that after a while you can only watch so much Godfather and Rocky movies till you start to get bored and look for something to do. So I started thinking about going to the local Karaoke bar for some entertainment.

At first I would go and just sit and watch not yet quite drunk enough or brave enough to get up and sing. And most people at the point would say why not Bubba those Karaoke singers if that is what you want to call singing can’t sing any better. You see when most people hear the word Karaoke they think of American Idol clips where they show those really bad singers for entertainment. But let me tell you quickly that has not been my experience. Sure you will get a few of them in around midnight who are trying a new song and too drunk to see the words but the majority of the regulars could have been a professional if they had looked differently, been younger or had been given a better hand in the game of life.

They are lovers of music and lyrics and each sings songs that reflect on their life at the moment. You can tell a lot about a person by their selection of a song to sing. Up to the mike is that little country girl who will not look at the crowd cause she is so nervous and just flat scared to death. She starts singing and you can’t believe how beautiful and strong a voice that little frame has. She hears the crowd saying wow listen to that and you can see her confidence build. By the end of the song you feel like you are watching a Gretchen Wilson concert as she struts her stuff and works the crowd. And then there is the mechanic who sings 16 tons perfectly. There is this tall black guy that can sign every Temptations song there is. I could go on and on but let’s just say there is a whole group of very different characters that come out nightly singing a wide variety of songs. And then you have what we call those one hit wonders. They know and sing one song very well but after a while that one song gets old.

Blues, Country, Rock and Roll, Rap it is all the same to a singer as it is the lyrics first and then the music man. Even if you don’t see yourself ever getting on stage just buy yourself a Karaoke disk of you favorite songs and play it on your TV reading the words. You will soon realize those songs are about either what you are or what you wish you were. They are about common experiences we have all been thru in life. One I like to sing that the crowd seems to love lately is a song by Trace Adkins titled Songs About Me. It really pushes your voice. A guy asks him in the song what he does for a living and he says I sing Country mixed in with a little Rock and little blues. The guy says what ever made you want to sing songs like that! And he says…..

I just looked at him and laughed and said cause they are songs about me and who I am, songs about living and loving and good hearted women and family and God. They are all songs about me, songs about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

And as everyone that knows me knows me is one of my favorite folks!

So getting back to my beginnings of singing Karaoke every new person starts with what they know. I thought I understood comedy and I knew I understood Divorce. The voice was still very weak and would go in and out when trying to reach certain ranges. Lung capacity was not the best either. So I needed to work the voice, I enjoyed the company and felt they would not care too much about voice as long as I made them laugh I would be popular. So I finally got up one night and turned in a song. It’s title was You ain’t leaving thank God are you. It is a divorce song and the crowd really loves it especially one part which goes like this:

Till Death do us part, that is what she told that preacher man, now she says this ain’t worth dying for, you know she has had all she can stand. She boxed up Momma’s China it loaded on the truck, she just got started packing and I am thinking well this could SUCK!

Now because I bathed and could listen fairly well I had a few of those one tooth wonders hitting on me every time I would go singing so I had to figure out a way of letting them know I may be a country boy but I still got standards. At the time a real popular song was Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson. Cletus Judd came back with a Parody called “Paycheck Woman” that solved the problem. So the KJ and I made a pack one night that every time a woman sang Redneck Woman he would put me up next singing Paycheck Woman.

I want a paycheck check woman, don’t want welfare broad all the chicks I date are lazy I say hey ya’ll get a job!

The men in the room absolutely loved that song and the one tooth wonders did not come around anymore. This song was my beginning to being a person that people actually walked up to and asked if I was going to sing tonight. You know you have the singers respect when they quit talking to listen to you sing. They would say hey you going to sing about that Paycheck woman tonight?

In a carpet mill or a truck stop even if it is for minimum wage. You can hang buck naked from a big brass pole as long as you making tips.

So I was about to break out into more types of music when I ran across my next song on a Karaoke disk I had purchased to learn some songs by Meryl Haggard. There was a song on it sang by someone I had never heard of whose title was Hillbillies. I loved the lyrics (Remember it is the lyrics man) and it really pushed your voice. The idea being to sing others the rest of night and really blow out your voice singing Hillbillies right before you leave.

Hillbillies do it in the hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Tractors pulled out in the yard
I say you and me take it down to the barn
Bring some of that chicken and some of that pie
We could be there all night long
You know how we get it on
Cause Hillbillies love it in the hayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I had dated a few women during this time but none all that interested in going out for a night of Karaoke but then I started dating this woman who lived out in Clay clean over the other side of town. She really liked this singer named Josh Turner and he sang this song called No Rush. She would play it over and over any time she got the chance so after a while I had it down in my head. I go to pick her up one night and she asks if it would be okay to go to a local bar and meet some friends of hers. I said yeah sure and it just so happens the place is doing Karaoke that night. I was a little nervous thinking about singing in front of her co-workers as she has a habit of bragging on me and making me sound just a little better then I actually am. I figured start off with something easy (no large vocal changes) and do something new to me. You can only get better as the night goes on and you start singing the songs you know and have done a couple hundred times. So the first Song I sang on a date with Genny was No Rush by Josh Turner. Real low deep voice and easy to sing.

No Rushhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nooooooooo Rush, we got forever baby just making up.
Bring it on down to the speed of love, Nooooooo Rush.

I don’t remember what her friends thought about it but do remember that Genny was very impressed and I had now hooked her on Karaoke. She started singing on her way home every night practicing songs and she has a very good voice. She would not sing however in the beginning with out me there as back up. I didn’t mind as this now means I get to sing twice as much. First my song then a song with her for her song. But now I have to learn some duets and how to harmonize. Blending two voices’ is a lot harder then one would think. Practice, Practice and more Practice. One night I am singing (I always get lucky with you) and she walks up and sings into the mike with me. Our first Duet. Only it was not written as a duet. We do several songs like that . She sings one part, I sing another and then we both sing other parts. It is unusual to see someone do that when the song was not written as a duet so the crowd tends to like it. So we had to get to work learning what were to become our signature songs as Duet’s.

Jackson by Johnny Cash and June Carter
Dixie by Hank Williams and Gretchen Wilson
Drunker then Me by LoneStar

When I finally had a woman who would sing with me I knew I had a keeper as Karaoke and singing is very important to my mental health and attitude. Last night we practiced a few times at home and then went to the Country Club to sing the Ray Charles version of Georgia. We rocked the place man, had them standing up and cheering at the end. We have this one guy who dresses like and sings Elvis so I took my sun glasses for that one. I just put on the shades, closed my eyes and tried to become Ray Charles with Genny singing backup. Our voices blended nicely. It was a great Karaoke night. I figure Obama will have us sing the song at his inauguration party…. Listen to that white boy sing. There is something about singing that just makes you feel good. Ya’ll try it as once you try Karaoke you will never go back to going asleep at 8 on a Friday night. Wonder if Elvis will be there tonight honey?


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

Drivers License and First Real Date

From the time a boy is about 13, he constantly looks forward to that great age of 15 where he can get a driver’s license and go out on a “real date”. Before real dates, you couldn’t have a lot of fun, unless it was a hayride, somebody’s birthday party or half time at a ball game. Well it took forever, but the day finally arrived and I went down and took the driver’s test. I passed, as it was one of the few things I was really motivated to study for. They would give you a paper temporary license and the real one would come a month to six weeks later. Later that week, I talked my parents into letting me take one of the cars up to a Woolmarket ball game. Nothing special happened that night except that somehow I lost my paper license. My parents found out about it and said I would have to wait on the plastic before I could use the car again. That month to six weeks seemed like the longest period of my life. I was very upset with myself for losing something I had been waiting so long for. Everyday, I would check the mailbox to see if it had arrived. I was constantly thinking about the fun; I could have if that piece of plastic would just show up.

Well they say if you wait long enough something is bound to happen and the plastic finally arrived. My father had a couple of older cars (maybe 10 years old) that my two older brothers would get to use from time to time for dates. However, recently he had sold some land to the Interstate 10 folks and went down and bought a brand new blue, automatic Dodge. I'm thinking postive, as my older brothers would not ask to take the new car and they had several years of driving experience by this time.

I went to the house and waiting patiently till the phone was free. In those days we had an 8 party line and not only did you have to fight the brothers for the use of the phone, sometimes those other 7 folks wanted to talk also. I was determined….I had the plastic, and I was going to get me a real date. I thought about whom all I could call, a lot of them were not allowed to date yet. Scratch them off the list. I narrowed it down to about 2 or 3 and settled on (Guess which Woolmarket Girl). She was just starting to really blossom and was looking real good nowadays. It was rumored that her older sister got pregnant and so naturally I assumed she had that same hot blood running through her veins. If you are going out on a first date, you damn sure don’t want to waste it. It was around 4 o’clock on a Friday afternoon when I made contact with her. I asked her if she would like to go to the movies that night and she said yes, but she had to get her parents approval and call me back. She must have had to do some powerful talking, cause she didn’t call me back for an hour.

Hot Damn…she got the okay and I was going to pick her up at 6:30. After I hung up the phone, I suddenly realized I had forgotten to plan out two very important things to make this date successful. Yep, that is right….I had no money and no car. I looked into the living room and there was my two older brothers sitting with my Dad watching television. I had hoped that they would leave so that I could talk to Dad alone, but one of their favorite shows was on, so I didn’t see how that was going to work. I was a man on a mission with limited time. I still had to take a shower (which could take a while when you had to fight others for use of the room) steal somebody’s good smelling stuff and get prepared. I decided to go ahead and get ready and then ask, as maybe the bro’s would be gone by then. No such luck…I came out of the bathroom and there they all still sat. I went to the room with the phone and thought about calling her and telling her I got sick, or at least telling her I was going to be a little late. After about two minutes of thinking, I decided to go for the gusto…be a man, stand tall, start with a big request and negotiate down to a reasonable solution. I entered the living room and sat on the couch waiting for a commercial. One of my brothers asked if I had been into their aftershave and I said no. The commercial came on and I stood up and walked over to my Father. He looked at me and I confidently asked….Dad…I have a date tonight in about 20 minutes. I need the keys to the Dodge and five bucks as I am taking her to the Drive In. My two older bothers (Hank and Stan) saw this as a very funny situation and fell on the floor laughing as they were positive of what the answer would be.

My Dad waiting till the laughter subsided and then looked at me. He said, boy, you know what……You have such big balls I think I am just going to have to give it to you. He reached in his pocket and gave me Five dollars. He then went to the key ring and gave me the keys to the Dodge. Hank and Stan were in total shock. I can still very clearly remember the look of awe on their faces as I passed behind my father’s seat. As I got to the door, I stuck out my tongue out at em and laughed.

Went to pick her up and had to do the parent thing…sit around and let them ask you questions but finally we did hit the road. I didn’t score on my first date, as it turns out her having an older sister that got pregnant put a little damper on things. That’s right there was no way that she was going to end up in the same situation. You couldn’t get close to those panties with dynamite! However, knowing that what she had to offer was limited she was a very good kisser. Overall it had been a good day. Dream big and you never know what may fall out of the sky.

Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2001

Ban Purses’ and Increase Productivity by 50%

How many men have you met standing at the end of the car waiting on your woman to get out of the car? What is it they do while you are out in the parking lot waiting on them?

I am sure all you men have had the experience of going shopping with your wife or girlfriend after hours of waiting on them to get “ready” in the first place only to guard the trunk of the car while they are still sitting in the car doing god only knows what. I know it is a wide spread problem as on a good day you can see no less then six men standing by the trunk waiting on the woman to get out of the car. Do not however make the mistake of thinking you can go ahead and walk in without them because they will hide from you when you go to look for them later as pay back for being so undeserving of their love.

I noticed one man the other evening had developed a plan of action to not make him look so foolish standing at the end of the car. He popped his trunk and starting doing an inventory of it. I was wondering what he was looking for when I noticed he always kept one eye cocked to the side of the car and when his wife got even with the trunk his inventory stopped and he closed the trunk to walk in by her side.

God only knows the reason they do this but I have a few theories. One of the major culprits is the damn purse. They perform a full inventory of it every time you stop in a parking lot. To show that I am not totally un reasonable I could understand doing the basics such as do I have my credit card or money however most men do that as they leave the house. But why in the hell do they have to look at everything else such as family pictures, make up and other assorted things they keep in that purse. You know they couldn’t possibly need anymore make up as you spent an hour and half already waiting for them at the house because they want to look pretty for you. Yeah right! Baby we are going shopping not to bed and as a man I want to get this experience over as quickly as humanly possible. I want to go in get what we “have” to have and get the hell out. I don’t want to look at all those “ain’t that cute things”.

As for the car waiting we need to ban the purse as a national treat to our security. After all they could be hiding a bomb in the damn thing. We may be able to convince The Department of Homeland Security of the danger if enough of us men write them. While waiting on Homeland Security try., you know baby I hear the new trend is for women to wear jeans with a wallet in their back pocket. I think you would look so sexy like that. They would have to down size right there as no person could get what they call a wallet in their back pocket.

And then there is this other thing. They work on you for days to get you to go with them in the first place and then whip out this….you know why we are “out” it sure would be nice to stop by so and so. I saw this cutest thing there the other day I want to show you. I think it would be just perfect for the living room, etc., if it is so damn cute why didn’t you get it the other day as you know I don’t give a damn about what you put in the living room. Now you start talking about putting something else in the Man’s room and I may be interested. However it must have a function other then to look pretty.

If you remember there use to be a show with a shopping contest whereby they give you a shopping cart and two minutes to grab everything you want free provided you beat the competition in total dollar value of what you got. It didn’t last long for several reasons of which two of them is that only women watch shopping shows and women don’t know exactly where any department of a store is other then it is by such and such. The men kept beating the women every time. We know where the electronics and tool department is and we don’t stop on the way to look at that cute thing. The idea of a man beating a woman at shopping totally pissed off the women folk and they quit buying the sponsor’s products. The show was quickly cancelled.

Now old Bubba is still in the learning phase when it comes to women so I may not have all the answers in fact I am certain of that so if any of you men want to help me out with some ways to relieve the stress of shopping with your woman please let me know.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

http://redneckheritagenetwork.blogspot.com/

Has Anybody seen My Soldering Iron?

Seems like I am always losing (or misplacing stuff) now days. Being the analyzer I am, I have often thought about the reasons for this over a cold beer or a cup of coffee. Lately this misplacing stuff has got a lot worse. Last Saturday I spent a good portion of the day looking for a stapler. While doing so I found at least five different boxes of staples but it took hours to find that stapler. When I finally did guess what? None of the five types of staples worked in the gun. I know for a fact that we had at least three other staplers some where but have no idea where they are at. So Genny was leaving for town to do a little shopping and she picked me up a new stapler and I know where it is at now but that could change in a few weeks.

Well while Genny was gone last week to do the shopping I sat down and watching a little DYI on television and saw these real neat things (spikes) that you put on your back wheels of your riding lawn mower so you can both cut and aerate your yard at the same time. As my father would say, it looked like something I just had to have so I ordered it.

They came in and I put it on my tires and worked real well in fact too well as it not only aerated my yard it also aerated my wiring harness to the lawn mower. It grabbed a hold of those wires and cut right thru them. When this happened the lawn mower must have been running and continued to run till I cut it off, so yesterday I am going to move the lawn mower and it won’t start. So I figured I probably ran the battery down some how and put the charger on it. Yes I was able to find the charger which is a miracle on to itself. But the battery charger said the battery was charged so I started looking for lose wiring and found the problem.

Took the tires off this morning and got to the wiring harness. Plan is to fix the wires and then electric tape or wire them in place real tight to the frame of the mower and out of the way of the aerator device. But when they put this lawn mower together they did not waste not even one inch of wire and the two groups of wire now just barely come together. Some guy at the factory probably made some money saying if we reduce the wiring to exactly what is need to get from point A to B we can save some bucks. More then likely the lawnmower will die before the wiring does but in the event something happens to it we can make some extra dollars with the customer buying a new wiring harness from us. The small gauge wiring is no problem as I have plenty of that around the house but the Battery wire requires some heavy gauge wire and I have not been able to find it.

I know I have some cause when I was working on my boat I kept finding it when looking for the small gauge wire. But this morning I can’t find the heavy wire and yes I have looked on the boat and every where else I can think of. So when plan A don’t work go to plan B.

It will probably work if I solder the two wires together. But I can’t find my solder gun now. The problem is further complicated because I still have some stuff stored over at 609 Alice in the garage. I didn’t lease it as I eventually plan of fixing it up and renting it as an apartment. So every time I can’t find something I convince myself that it must be one of two things. Either I left it over at 609 Alice or Genny put it up some where. Genny has one cabinet in the kitchen where she puts her house tools and I always go back there to look. Then I usually jump in the car and run over to Bessemer to look in the garage over there. Most of the time I don’t locate it there either so if it is cheap I buy a new one. The trip to 609 still pays off most of the time as I usually find something else I was looking for a few weeks ago. So now I have two, three or four of them. Oh yeah and while looking in the truck this morning for the solder gun I found the stapler I was looking for so hard last week.

So why is this always happening to me? I have several theories on it. I figure the young kids would say well you are getting old and you just can’t remember anything anymore. Well yes I can, I know I have it just don’t know where it is at! When I can’t remember that I had a stapler or solder gun then we will talk Nursing home.

So could it be that I am not very organized and tend to leave the tools fairly close to what ever I was working on last. I kind of like this theory as I can blame that on DNA. You could come over to my father’s house about 5 pm and tell what he had done all day by following the trail of tools. He would start several projects a day and never finish one but would leave his tools out where he had been working on the problem. I think maybe he couldn’t find the tool he needed to complete the job so he moved on to another task figuring he will find it while doing something else.

Or it could be that I just have too much stuff. Life was so much simpler when I didn’t have anything and knew it and would then go over to Dad’s to borrow it. Of Course you had to find it but if you did he would loan it to you. He would say it is out there some where boy if you can find it you can borrow it. Always wondered how he could remember for months that you borrowed something but couldn’t find it if it was in his possession.

Hey I figured out the solution to the problem while reading this over. I have a whole other riding lawn mower over at 609 with a blown engine should be plenty of wiring and other stuff on it I can use. Hot Damn! Maybe that is why Dad had two or three of the same thing. He had no less then three cub tractors when he died. It has to be DNA folks and so much better to blame it on a parent then yourself. Well headed to 609 Alice for the wiring harness.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

http://redneckheritagenetwork.blogspot.com/

Charm, Personality and Intelligence

Edie is my baby sister and mama finally hung up the baby birthing business with her. I think each of us boys should send her a yearly gift of appreciation cause if mama would have had her first I am not sure how many of us would be here. I imagine Edie could tell some stories about growing up with a house full of boys. I have often thought poor ole Greg and Gregory don’t have a chance as she had heard and seen it all by time she was 18. Although I was out of the house and in the Army for most of Edie’s teen age years I can still remember several stories on her but going to begin with one called:

I had moved up thru the VA System to a big GS-6 Purchasing Agent at the Biloxi VA. I had a good friend that was working a temporary position in Property Management at the VA who later took a much higher paying job out at the Sea Bee Base. Edie I believe was working a part time GS-3 position at the VA in Engineering Service and applied for a GS-4 position out at the Sea Bee Base. It just so happened that she qualified and that my friend was the supervisor of the unit she had applied for. He called me one day to say he was looking over the applications and did I know an Edie that worked in Engineering. I said yeah I sure do that is my baby sister. He said well I got an interview set up with her later this week and based on what I see I may hire her. He said, she any good, I said hell yeah she is my sister. He laughed and the call ended. So Edie goes to her interview and sometime during the interview he lets her know that he had worked with her brother Art and that I had spoken highly of her.

On the way back from the interview she called me very upset. I don’t need your help to get a job, I can do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! On my Charm, Personality and Intelligence! She turned down the job to prove the point. I never again offered or responded to any questions about my baby sister’s work ethics or performance. She has gone from a GS-3 to a GS-12 at one facility and I can tell you that is very hard to do as I have had to move several times to achieve it. I have no doubt in my military mind that she achieved it all thru her Charm, personality and Intelligence. I am very proud of my little sister yet I ain’t certain she is a Nalley as she never brags on her achievements.
Just don’t seem right!

On a side note let me tell you about a little conversation I had with her a few years back when kidding her about the Charm, personality and Intelligence thing. She had put in for a higher paying position and in kidding I said, I don’t know how many folks I still have any influence with down there but you want me to see what I can do?
Her response was I will take all the help I can get! I didn’t know anybody anymore and didn’t make any calls and she got the job, just as I figured she would and she did all on that Charm, personality and intelligence.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2003

She Needs a Good One


I have been trying to get a date with a woman I meet who’s husband died about 3 years ago. All we have ever done is exchange pictures, talk over the phone and email. I will set a date and she will agree and then at the last moment she will call and tearfully say she just can’t do it. I was beginning to think this woman was crazy. In discussing the reasons why for her backing out I noticed she used the term intimate. As in I don’t know that I can be intimate with another man. So she called last night and we were just shooting the bull and we started discussing her inability to follow thru with dates and this is how the conversation went.



Me: You keep using the term intimate, what does intimate mean to you?



Her: Sex



Me: Well just because we go out don’t mean we have to have sex and I am not going to rape you.



Her: I know that, I am not afraid of you in the least. I know you would never do anything like that.



Me: So what is the problem, we go out and we have a good time.



Her: You don’t understand



Me: I’m trying, so tell me



Her: Let me think how to put this, I am very vulnerable right now. I have not had sex in over three years. Lately that is all I can think about. I try to think about something else but my mind keeps going back to sex. I need a Good One!



Me: Laughing



Her: It is not funny!



Me: You got to understand that is not laughing at you laughter that is relief laughter.



Her: How is that?



Me: Well you got to understand that ever since I was knee high to a grasshopper I have been told that is the cure all for everything dealing with a woman. If she gets too testy, she needs a good one! If she seems upset, give her a good one! I never put a lot of stock into the statement cause I never could find a woman that agreed with that theory. Now here I am 50 years old and a woman tells me her problem is that she needs a good one. Hell I can take care of that, no problem, I was beginning to think you were crazy as hell and all you need is a good one. I am qualified at that, I didn’t know if I could cure you from being crazy. We will take care of that and you may even like me after.



Her: I am sure you can smart ass, but first you got to get me from point A to point B.



Me: Laughing, yeah that has been the problem



End



Art Nally

Redneck Hertiage Network

@2005

Shake Them Boobs Then Go Twenty Yards And Bottonhook

From the time I was about 10, I remember each year all the boys would get together with Friends choose up teams and play a Football game before the big meal. Each of the boys would usually have someone over, so we always had enough for a good football game. The girlfriends and wives usually didn’t play. They either sat on the sideline or stayed in the house cooking or watching television. If, I remember correctly that year we had three wives (Barbara, Wanda and Donna) and a few assorted girl friends of guest and brothers. Well they say, traditions are made to be broken, and this was the year for the Nalley boys to have one broken. We looked around and there were about six women on the side saying they wanted to play also. Since three of us were married we were smart enough not to say no. So we chose up teams and the game began.

The score was tied at 21 to 21, when Momma hollered out the back door 5 minutes till supper. So at that point we realized that we were going to have to convert the game to sudden death. Whoever scored first wins the game. My team had the ball and we were in poor position. It was 4th and about 8. They had been double teaming Gary Sly, my end, whenever he went out and were also pretty effective in keeping me from running the ball. So what am I going to do…sometimes if you can’t use brute force, you got to outsmart them?

We bent over in a huddle, as I was thinking of what play to call and my eyes happen to rest upon some inspiration, I was sure would work. My wife Donna was around 19 and was well endowed to say the least. She also wore very skimpy halter-tops, which were little more than cloth triangles (no bra) tied by a string in the back. The plan was to throw to Donna and have everyone else either protect me or block to the right side of the field. Donna lined up on the left side close to the out of bound line. Hank was covering the end on that side. The play was called shake them boobs go twenty yards and buttonhook. I told Donna to go out there and get into position. When he lines up I want you to growl at him. If I know him right, he will start laughing but at the same time notice those boobs. The ball will be hiked on the 4th hut. I will spread out the cadence till the time is right. When he looks at your boobs, I want you to start shaking them, while growling at him.

Well when Hank saw the way the team lined up, it was pretty obvious to him one of two things was going to happen. Most likely I was going try to run the ball and send Donna all the way out to spread his team thin. Or I could just be crazy enough to throw to a woman on the last down. He felt confident, he could handle Donna so he yelled to his team as he walked out to Donna, watch the run he is going to try to go through here!

We lined up. Hut one…..Donna growled at Hank…. He looked amused. Hut twooooooooo and she started shaking those boobs. His eyes were now fixed to her chest and started chuckling. She would growl some more and start swinging them side to side. Hut three and he was now in a full laugh and holding his belly…He dropped to one knee and I quickly called Hut four for the hike. Donna went to the goal line turned and looked. No one was on her. Hank was still at the scrimmage line on one knee laughing. Just as I was about to be tagged, I passed the ball to Donna. Hit her right in the chest and it bounced in the air but she caught it on the bounce. She stepped over the goal line and the game was ours.

It was a sweet victory and the ultimate defeat. Not only was Hank’s team beat by little brother, but they had been beat by a woman. Something we thought unusual during those days. Later in life, we were to learn that would be a common occurrence.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@ 2002

The Shed and the Mennonite's

I have found that since Genny has purchased this mansion with its tray ceilings and chandlers that I still miss my old place primarily for the storage. 609 Alice had that and more in the apartment out back I turned into an exterior garage. The only thing 609 didn’t have was enough closet space to hang Genny’s summer and winter wardrobe and therefore it had to go. So Genny’s answer to this problem was for me to get a shed (to place in a spot pre-selected by her of course) where a man could place his lawn mower and tools and get them out of the garage.

So there is a place in Bessemer I often drove by on the way to Lowes that sells some nice pre built sheds and I dropped by one day to talk to the salesman. While giving his sales pitch he mentioned several times that the sheds where built by Mennonite’s. I took it from the way he said it that Mennonite’s must build a higher quality shed then your normal Baptist or Methodist but having never seen an actual Mennonite I didn’t know why. I knew they were some type of religious order but that is about it.

Well I had dressed for work and was about to head out the door to go when my phone rung. There was this strange talking man on the other end of the line that said he had my shed and would like to deliver it at 10:00am. I told the man that would be alright as it was his call but you know it has been raining a lot and all I have is hay on the backyard you may get stuck. So he says it is also going to rain tomorrow my friend so the weather is not going to get any better. If you don’t mind a few ruts in your yard I have a trailer that will pull me out.

Now when he said that my Tim the tool man kicked in (a trailer that will pull you out) and I said come on then. And that trailer truly was special folks it did everything short of making coffee which the Mennonite’s probably don’t drink anyway. But the virtues of that trailer are best told in another story.

So right at ten like the man said he would he and his family pulled into the driveway with my shed on a trailer. We did a walk thru of the area to show him how muddy and soft the ground was but he said he felt he could do it as the trailer will pull him out.

He introduced me to his family. His wife’s name was Abigail and she was dressed in long plain cloth dress and she had a little white cap on her head. No make up and the only thing modern on this woman was some tennis shoes. His sons name was Shawn and his name was Matthew. His son was dressed like any other American kid and the only thing of appearance that set Matthew apart from others was a beard on his chin like you have seen in the movies of Mormons.

However, from the time he opened that truck door it was very apparent that he was the undisputed leader of that family and therefore in charge. He had a swagger in his walking, head held high and he commenced to given orders. Abigail drive the truck; Shawn get those Concrete blocks and place them where our friend wants them.

And there was no ahh Dad do I have too, they are too heavy and the wife immediately moved over into the driver’s seat without a word. I knew at that instant that there had to be a story in this delivery. Matthew was a very soft spoken person and I watched him issue orders in a voice calm and collected in situations where I would have been cussing for sure. He walked around with this little game console thing that controlled the trailer and he would say: Extend the trailer Abigail and if the trailer didn’t immediately respond he would say do you have it in park Abigail. Eventually she would figure it out and the trailer would extend.

Matthew had by then moved on to survey the tire situation as we where quickly bogging up in the mud. Shawn get that board and place it here and Shawn without a word would do so. I tried to help his son once but he said friend the boy will do that for you. Well okay I can deal with that and he would then smile.

So long story short we played in the mud for about and hour before we finally got the shed in position and it was time to place it on blocks and level it. The area around the shed was very muddy and now had fairly large ruts which made it difficult to walk in.

Matthew was walking around the back of the shed to determine if he had the shed placed correctly when he noticed Shawn was not at his side. You here a voice, Shawn what are you doing? Nothing father. Well you are supposed to stay with me to do as I tell you to do. The son looks at his mother and they both smile and then the boy starts jumping over the mud rut’s to get at his fathers side.

Shawn having been properly instructed is placing concrete blocks under the shed and fetching boards off the truck to level the back side while Matthews walks around to the front side with his control. For the first time today I see him put down the control to the trailer and he grabs a concrete block to place under the shed. However he needs some boards to get the level right on top on the block. So while looking at the situation he says: Abigail go get me a 2 x 4 block off the truck. She looks at the ground and then at the truck and she slowly walked jumping the ruts to get his 2 by 4. She makes it back to his position and is about to hand him the 2 by 4 when he says I also need a 1 by 4 slat off the truck.

Being an old dog and having been in many situations before I sensed something was about to happen and was paying close attention. But she looked at the ground and then the truck and turned and started making her way to it without a word. But she must have been thinking as she turned around about half way and said Matthew. Yes Abigail? In a very low and kind voice with just a slight tone of tension she said to Matthew you need to tell me “everything” you need at once.

I am watching and wondering how Matthew is going to handle this and thinking I have been guilty of the same thing but with probably different logic then Matthew. You know like “While your up baby could you get me a beer” while really thinking a sandwich would be nice with the beer but I don’t want to push it as I won’t get anything so you just stick with the beer fetching.

Break: It is now about 10:30am and my Abigail is finally stirring upstairs and I need to go get another cup of coffee. So I walk up to find her walking thru the living room. I fill up my coffee and I say as I am walking down the stairs. Abbygale will you be fixing me any breakfast this morning? She stops turns and says “probably not” which of course means no. Well hell it is almost lunch time anyway I will fix me a sandwich. I need to hang with Matthew some more.

Well back to the story:

Matthew keeps his head straight not turning to look at his wife and says: You are right Abigail. A big smile comes upon her face like she has just won a major victory and she happily turns to go get the 1 x 4 slat when he says; bring me another 2x4 block with that 1 x 4 in case I need it. She brings both and hands it to him (still smiling) and he takes the 1 x 4 places it on the block and then hands her the 2 x 4 back saying I won’t be needing that 2 x 4 put it back on the truck please. I am not 100% sure but I think old Matthew was proving a point there.

So from there was fairly un-eventual and we get his truck out of the yard. Well…. his wife and son got the truck out of the yard (her driving the truck and the son placing boards down where Matthew instructed him to do so. After they are back in the drive way and the wife and son are in the truck Matthew walks over to me and we survey the completed job. He looks at my boat and says, so you take that out on the water my friend. I say yep he smiles shakes my hand and gets in the truck and drives off.

So as they were driving off I remembered a movie I had seen at one time. In it heaven was this very large processing station in which you either ended up boarding the train to heaven or being sent back as a child to try again. The idea being that some folks require more life’s then others to be prepared for the wonders of heaven. Well I am quite sure after yesterday that on that last run thru life God sends you back to live as a Mennonite man.


Bubba Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright @2008