Has Anybody seen My Soldering Iron?

Seems like I am always losing (or misplacing stuff) now days. Being the analyzer I am, I have often thought about the reasons for this over a cold beer or a cup of coffee. Lately this misplacing stuff has got a lot worse. Last Saturday I spent a good portion of the day looking for a stapler. While doing so I found at least five different boxes of staples but it took hours to find that stapler. When I finally did guess what? None of the five types of staples worked in the gun. I know for a fact that we had at least three other staplers some where but have no idea where they are at. So Genny was leaving for town to do a little shopping and she picked me up a new stapler and I know where it is at now but that could change in a few weeks.

Well while Genny was gone last week to do the shopping I sat down and watching a little DYI on television and saw these real neat things (spikes) that you put on your back wheels of your riding lawn mower so you can both cut and aerate your yard at the same time. As my father would say, it looked like something I just had to have so I ordered it.

They came in and I put it on my tires and worked real well in fact too well as it not only aerated my yard it also aerated my wiring harness to the lawn mower. It grabbed a hold of those wires and cut right thru them. When this happened the lawn mower must have been running and continued to run till I cut it off, so yesterday I am going to move the lawn mower and it won’t start. So I figured I probably ran the battery down some how and put the charger on it. Yes I was able to find the charger which is a miracle on to itself. But the battery charger said the battery was charged so I started looking for lose wiring and found the problem.

Took the tires off this morning and got to the wiring harness. Plan is to fix the wires and then electric tape or wire them in place real tight to the frame of the mower and out of the way of the aerator device. But when they put this lawn mower together they did not waste not even one inch of wire and the two groups of wire now just barely come together. Some guy at the factory probably made some money saying if we reduce the wiring to exactly what is need to get from point A to B we can save some bucks. More then likely the lawnmower will die before the wiring does but in the event something happens to it we can make some extra dollars with the customer buying a new wiring harness from us. The small gauge wiring is no problem as I have plenty of that around the house but the Battery wire requires some heavy gauge wire and I have not been able to find it.

I know I have some cause when I was working on my boat I kept finding it when looking for the small gauge wire. But this morning I can’t find the heavy wire and yes I have looked on the boat and every where else I can think of. So when plan A don’t work go to plan B.

It will probably work if I solder the two wires together. But I can’t find my solder gun now. The problem is further complicated because I still have some stuff stored over at 609 Alice in the garage. I didn’t lease it as I eventually plan of fixing it up and renting it as an apartment. So every time I can’t find something I convince myself that it must be one of two things. Either I left it over at 609 Alice or Genny put it up some where. Genny has one cabinet in the kitchen where she puts her house tools and I always go back there to look. Then I usually jump in the car and run over to Bessemer to look in the garage over there. Most of the time I don’t locate it there either so if it is cheap I buy a new one. The trip to 609 still pays off most of the time as I usually find something else I was looking for a few weeks ago. So now I have two, three or four of them. Oh yeah and while looking in the truck this morning for the solder gun I found the stapler I was looking for so hard last week.

So why is this always happening to me? I have several theories on it. I figure the young kids would say well you are getting old and you just can’t remember anything anymore. Well yes I can, I know I have it just don’t know where it is at! When I can’t remember that I had a stapler or solder gun then we will talk Nursing home.

So could it be that I am not very organized and tend to leave the tools fairly close to what ever I was working on last. I kind of like this theory as I can blame that on DNA. You could come over to my father’s house about 5 pm and tell what he had done all day by following the trail of tools. He would start several projects a day and never finish one but would leave his tools out where he had been working on the problem. I think maybe he couldn’t find the tool he needed to complete the job so he moved on to another task figuring he will find it while doing something else.

Or it could be that I just have too much stuff. Life was so much simpler when I didn’t have anything and knew it and would then go over to Dad’s to borrow it. Of Course you had to find it but if you did he would loan it to you. He would say it is out there some where boy if you can find it you can borrow it. Always wondered how he could remember for months that you borrowed something but couldn’t find it if it was in his possession.

Hey I figured out the solution to the problem while reading this over. I have a whole other riding lawn mower over at 609 with a blown engine should be plenty of wiring and other stuff on it I can use. Hot Damn! Maybe that is why Dad had two or three of the same thing. He had no less then three cub tractors when he died. It has to be DNA folks and so much better to blame it on a parent then yourself. Well headed to 609 Alice for the wiring harness.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

http://redneckheritagenetwork.blogspot.com/

The Shed and the Mennonite's

I have found that since Genny has purchased this mansion with its tray ceilings and chandlers that I still miss my old place primarily for the storage. 609 Alice had that and more in the apartment out back I turned into an exterior garage. The only thing 609 didn’t have was enough closet space to hang Genny’s summer and winter wardrobe and therefore it had to go. So Genny’s answer to this problem was for me to get a shed (to place in a spot pre-selected by her of course) where a man could place his lawn mower and tools and get them out of the garage.

So there is a place in Bessemer I often drove by on the way to Lowes that sells some nice pre built sheds and I dropped by one day to talk to the salesman. While giving his sales pitch he mentioned several times that the sheds where built by Mennonite’s. I took it from the way he said it that Mennonite’s must build a higher quality shed then your normal Baptist or Methodist but having never seen an actual Mennonite I didn’t know why. I knew they were some type of religious order but that is about it.

Well I had dressed for work and was about to head out the door to go when my phone rung. There was this strange talking man on the other end of the line that said he had my shed and would like to deliver it at 10:00am. I told the man that would be alright as it was his call but you know it has been raining a lot and all I have is hay on the backyard you may get stuck. So he says it is also going to rain tomorrow my friend so the weather is not going to get any better. If you don’t mind a few ruts in your yard I have a trailer that will pull me out.

Now when he said that my Tim the tool man kicked in (a trailer that will pull you out) and I said come on then. And that trailer truly was special folks it did everything short of making coffee which the Mennonite’s probably don’t drink anyway. But the virtues of that trailer are best told in another story.

So right at ten like the man said he would he and his family pulled into the driveway with my shed on a trailer. We did a walk thru of the area to show him how muddy and soft the ground was but he said he felt he could do it as the trailer will pull him out.

He introduced me to his family. His wife’s name was Abigail and she was dressed in long plain cloth dress and she had a little white cap on her head. No make up and the only thing modern on this woman was some tennis shoes. His sons name was Shawn and his name was Matthew. His son was dressed like any other American kid and the only thing of appearance that set Matthew apart from others was a beard on his chin like you have seen in the movies of Mormons.

However, from the time he opened that truck door it was very apparent that he was the undisputed leader of that family and therefore in charge. He had a swagger in his walking, head held high and he commenced to given orders. Abigail drive the truck; Shawn get those Concrete blocks and place them where our friend wants them.

And there was no ahh Dad do I have too, they are too heavy and the wife immediately moved over into the driver’s seat without a word. I knew at that instant that there had to be a story in this delivery. Matthew was a very soft spoken person and I watched him issue orders in a voice calm and collected in situations where I would have been cussing for sure. He walked around with this little game console thing that controlled the trailer and he would say: Extend the trailer Abigail and if the trailer didn’t immediately respond he would say do you have it in park Abigail. Eventually she would figure it out and the trailer would extend.

Matthew had by then moved on to survey the tire situation as we where quickly bogging up in the mud. Shawn get that board and place it here and Shawn without a word would do so. I tried to help his son once but he said friend the boy will do that for you. Well okay I can deal with that and he would then smile.

So long story short we played in the mud for about and hour before we finally got the shed in position and it was time to place it on blocks and level it. The area around the shed was very muddy and now had fairly large ruts which made it difficult to walk in.

Matthew was walking around the back of the shed to determine if he had the shed placed correctly when he noticed Shawn was not at his side. You here a voice, Shawn what are you doing? Nothing father. Well you are supposed to stay with me to do as I tell you to do. The son looks at his mother and they both smile and then the boy starts jumping over the mud rut’s to get at his fathers side.

Shawn having been properly instructed is placing concrete blocks under the shed and fetching boards off the truck to level the back side while Matthews walks around to the front side with his control. For the first time today I see him put down the control to the trailer and he grabs a concrete block to place under the shed. However he needs some boards to get the level right on top on the block. So while looking at the situation he says: Abigail go get me a 2 x 4 block off the truck. She looks at the ground and then at the truck and she slowly walked jumping the ruts to get his 2 by 4. She makes it back to his position and is about to hand him the 2 by 4 when he says I also need a 1 by 4 slat off the truck.

Being an old dog and having been in many situations before I sensed something was about to happen and was paying close attention. But she looked at the ground and then the truck and turned and started making her way to it without a word. But she must have been thinking as she turned around about half way and said Matthew. Yes Abigail? In a very low and kind voice with just a slight tone of tension she said to Matthew you need to tell me “everything” you need at once.

I am watching and wondering how Matthew is going to handle this and thinking I have been guilty of the same thing but with probably different logic then Matthew. You know like “While your up baby could you get me a beer” while really thinking a sandwich would be nice with the beer but I don’t want to push it as I won’t get anything so you just stick with the beer fetching.

Break: It is now about 10:30am and my Abigail is finally stirring upstairs and I need to go get another cup of coffee. So I walk up to find her walking thru the living room. I fill up my coffee and I say as I am walking down the stairs. Abbygale will you be fixing me any breakfast this morning? She stops turns and says “probably not” which of course means no. Well hell it is almost lunch time anyway I will fix me a sandwich. I need to hang with Matthew some more.

Well back to the story:

Matthew keeps his head straight not turning to look at his wife and says: You are right Abigail. A big smile comes upon her face like she has just won a major victory and she happily turns to go get the 1 x 4 slat when he says; bring me another 2x4 block with that 1 x 4 in case I need it. She brings both and hands it to him (still smiling) and he takes the 1 x 4 places it on the block and then hands her the 2 x 4 back saying I won’t be needing that 2 x 4 put it back on the truck please. I am not 100% sure but I think old Matthew was proving a point there.

So from there was fairly un-eventual and we get his truck out of the yard. Well…. his wife and son got the truck out of the yard (her driving the truck and the son placing boards down where Matthew instructed him to do so. After they are back in the drive way and the wife and son are in the truck Matthew walks over to me and we survey the completed job. He looks at my boat and says, so you take that out on the water my friend. I say yep he smiles shakes my hand and gets in the truck and drives off.

So as they were driving off I remembered a movie I had seen at one time. In it heaven was this very large processing station in which you either ended up boarding the train to heaven or being sent back as a child to try again. The idea being that some folks require more life’s then others to be prepared for the wonders of heaven. Well I am quite sure after yesterday that on that last run thru life God sends you back to live as a Mennonite man.


Bubba Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright @2008

Women and Online Dating

It is cold and raining and I wanted to get out and do yard stuff today, oh well! So I went to the store and purchased a book to read and probably do some inside stuff later. May do something constructive or may just drink beer and watch TV.

Well anyway the book I picked up is titled “Sex, Lies and Online Dating”. As ya’ll know that is how I meet the majority of my dates so the title kind of caught my eye. Unfortunately a woman wrote it so everything will be from the woman’s viewpoint.

One-paragraph states, “SEX”..What is it about men anyway? Bad cars, bad jobs, even bad teeth and nothing convinces them that they can’t snare a Size Two Babe with a D-cup chest. And after way to many Internet dates with men named “luvstick” and bigdaddy182 I should know.

Well Bubba wants to know what it is with you damn women. The men folk ain’t the only ones to exaggerate a little. Women post as their main profile picture a 15-20 year younger version of you. (Yes and that Size two babe with a D-Cup breast is you 20 years ago baby and “you” take the high road by saying, looks ain’t important to you!) In legal circles they would call that bait and switch.

In fact men if you want to get fairly close to what she looks like today go directly to picture number 5. All on line dates have their on little quirts but then again the gal your sister in law or someone at work or church sets you up with may be crazy as hell too. I once told a good woman friend when asked about a date, “Well she is all right I guess but she does have a few issues! The friend told me, get over it Art there ain’t a woman over 20 that don’t have some kind of issue.

One thing for certain is there ain’t nothing for certain in the dating world. There are a few things you can kind of count on however. As a man in the relationship your charm and intelligence diminishes over time. (Now nieces and daughters and other women this may have been sent to I would really like your feed back on the following)

You ever notice guys that when you first start dating a woman you can’t say or do anything wrong. They laugh at everything you say weather it is funny or not. You’re sweet, intelligent, and maybe even good-looking for a while. It is only over a period of time that all of this begins to fade in the eyes of the woman until one-day phase two kicks in. Phase two is called many things but today I will use, Get his ass straightened up enough to meet the family or at least take some where in public. It happens in the blink of an eye a male goes from perfect to what the hell was I thinking when I started dating him.

Guys are so much simpler in their needs and thought pattern then women. I typed that last statement and then said to myself…no we are not..that is just the propaganda they (women) want us to believe. Women in fact are wired a lot like men but the difference is they never admit to it. To admit to it would mean that a man has some basic knowledge of them and they perceive that as being way to dangerous a situation as you might truly feel that you are right about something down the road.

So how do you know then if you are right about your woman? It is actually very simple; make your statement about her then shut up for two weeks. No you can talk about other stuff but don’t bring the subject of the discussion up for two weeks. Women are short circuited to initially believe no man could be right about their inner feelings without a necessary brooding or insightful timeframe.

After that two week period bring the subject up again. If she does not immediately take the offense it means you were correct about her in the first place. Now do not think that you will ever hear her admit this, the closest you will get is the statement…I can see why you would think that way, but that is really not the case. When you hear that guys, you nailed her.

So anyway I am in a dating lull right now, taking a little time off. Always a good idea to take a little off around Valentines day as that day can get you in all kinds of trouble. And I am talking long term trouble! I will sign up to one of the sites again of the 15th. Mean time do a little writing and reading, maybe sing a few more songs down at the bar. It is getting close to the time of year I love, summer and boats and swim suits the good life.



Ya’ll have a good one,

Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2005

Too Much Information

Lately this modern age of information unlimited has been getting on my last nerve. With the advent of the computer companies sell and collect data on everyone and target their advertisement based on that data. I was just about getting use to receiving that invitation to join the AARP when this latest batch started making its way to my mailbox.

Seems like every company in the world wants to sell me something to help me with memory lost, erectile dysfunction or my hearing but the latest batch of mail urging me to buy a cemetery plot is the perfect way to put a damper on what started out to be a nice day. Just all of a sudden they started showing up in my mailbox and email.

Dear Art,

Based on our data you have reached the age that you should seriously consider purchasing a cemetery plot and we have just the one for you. Purchase now at this low price and save your widow the grief of dealing with higher prices upon your death. (I guess it is like a concert and the price goes up at the gate)

Sincerely,
Don’t you feel better now


I think I will sit down and show these companies that the information highway travels both ways. Have some fun with it and research who the owner or CEO is for each of these companies and send them letters like this…

Dear Make my Day,

Based on my data, your daughter is a lesbian, your son is a crack head, and I don’t want to have to tell you what your wife does every time you go on a business trip. As a side note your company’s value is going to decrease by 90% within the next month and your then ex wife will get the 10% left. Take me off your mailing list or I will send you proof that your Mother never loved you and that man you called Dad was really not your father.

Have a good day,

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

For God, Country and those Woolmarket Girls that trained Me

Woolmrket was a very good place to grow up. But we became toooo much like family. By the time we got into serious dating, the Woolmarket girls knew all of us like a book. They knew your next move before you could make it, and don’t ever make the mistake of calling one for a date to find out she was busy and then calling another. What am I …. Second choice…you just called Nina twenty minutes ago….dial tone.

So after about the 9th grade we started dating girls outside the community. You were also more likely to score that way since they didn’t have to worry about you going to their school Monday morning and telling everybody. One thing, I never did….If asked I would just smile and say…I don’t know man go ask her. I think this was a major factor in being so popular in High School. The girls could always trust me. Many of them came to me with their boy problems for me to solve. And I always gave very good advice. And you know what…my advice worked for everybody but me. I would have a similar situation, know what and how I should handle it, but couldn’t.

I once had a girl make a special request of me. Her boy friend was taking her for granted and she wanted me to put a hickey on her to make him jealous. She brought her girlfriend with her to ask me since she wanted to insure safety…That devil Art, you never know??? Well I thought about it and I wasn’t quite sure it was the best move for her. I tried to give her other suggestions that would probably work as well but both she and her girlfriend were insistent that her way was the way to bring him around.

At this point I felt a little used. So I started thinking, what she got in trade;;;;;;; Well it didn’t take long to come up with it. She just happened to have the biggest set of tits in D’Iberville. I said with her girlfriend in the front seat, I will give you a hickey on the neck, but if you really want to scare him into shape, you have got to have a couple on those tits as well. She thought about it a minute but her girlfriend Lori was shaking her head in agreement. We drove off from my house and went up a dirt road. Lori was still with us as she was driving. Well all I am going to say at this point, is I did her proud. For God, country and those Woolmarket girls that trained me.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2004

Grits Kill and Instant Grits Kills Instantly

Starting to get the garden ready, suppose to plant next week so at the outer edge of the garden was a very big ant pile that had been made over winter. I had heard one time that grits will kill ants and was curious as to if it would work, so I poked a few holes in the pile and the ants just came pouring out.

I went in the house and found a packet of instant grits and tore it open. There must have been a thousand ants on top of the pile when I tore it open and poured in on. I watched the ants slide down the grits and the worker ants carry little pieces down into the ant pile holes I had made. Went out this morning and no matter how much I poke the ant pile none come out. The ant’s are either dead or moved on to a higher-class neighborhood.

I hear that they take it in to hole and eat it. Grits expand and it kills them internally. I went to the garage and found some high profile ant killer I purchased last year. The cost of it was still on the bag, $7.67. I went inside and looked on the box of grits for a price. One dollar and thirteen cents for 10 bags of instant grits. I only used one bag.

I am feeling a little bad for the ants tonight as I know how it feels to be highly compacted.

Ya’ll have a good one you hear.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2005

Dry Humping

When the young ladies reach the 7th and 8th in Woolmarket, they will start letting you explore new territory, but for the majority, you are not going to get that Bra or those pants off. So given that UN movable objects, young man will sometimes improvise. Thus the term dry humping.

As you were making out with the young lady you would lay her down (fully clothed) and begin to slowly act like you were making love. Several benefits were obtained from this action. If anybody walked by the car, they thought you were actually getting some which is good for the image of an 8th grade boy, it was a new form of making out and therefore more exciting, and every once in awhile she would get tried of pretending and actually let you move on to other areas.

Well it was another one of those games at Woolmarket and Randy and Pam snuck off to his car. I’m sure Randy got a little carried away and got too excited. When not with a young lady, 8th grade boys tend to travel in packs. There was about 4 of 5 of us that decided we needed to go to the restroom and piss.

As we entered the restroom, there was Randy with his pants around his ankles, a cigarette dangling from his mouth and hand full of toilet paper. He was wiping out his drawers, trying to remove some excess fluid. We must have surprised him when we entered cause he made the mistake of opening his mouth and the cigarette fell into his drawers. Randy had a predicament! His pants around his ankles, his drawers wet, his left hand full of toilet paper and a lit cigarette in his drawers. He started a new form of dance, got caught up in his own pants and fell to the floor. Ain't none of us going to help him, we just stood there and laughed. We went out to the car and told Pam, Randy may be a little late coming back.