Shake Them Boobs Then Go Twenty Yards And Bottonhook

From the time I was about 10, I remember each year all the boys would get together with Friends choose up teams and play a Football game before the big meal. Each of the boys would usually have someone over, so we always had enough for a good football game. The girlfriends and wives usually didn’t play. They either sat on the sideline or stayed in the house cooking or watching television. If, I remember correctly that year we had three wives (Barbara, Wanda and Donna) and a few assorted girl friends of guest and brothers. Well they say, traditions are made to be broken, and this was the year for the Nalley boys to have one broken. We looked around and there were about six women on the side saying they wanted to play also. Since three of us were married we were smart enough not to say no. So we chose up teams and the game began.

The score was tied at 21 to 21, when Momma hollered out the back door 5 minutes till supper. So at that point we realized that we were going to have to convert the game to sudden death. Whoever scored first wins the game. My team had the ball and we were in poor position. It was 4th and about 8. They had been double teaming Gary Sly, my end, whenever he went out and were also pretty effective in keeping me from running the ball. So what am I going to do…sometimes if you can’t use brute force, you got to outsmart them?

We bent over in a huddle, as I was thinking of what play to call and my eyes happen to rest upon some inspiration, I was sure would work. My wife Donna was around 19 and was well endowed to say the least. She also wore very skimpy halter-tops, which were little more than cloth triangles (no bra) tied by a string in the back. The plan was to throw to Donna and have everyone else either protect me or block to the right side of the field. Donna lined up on the left side close to the out of bound line. Hank was covering the end on that side. The play was called shake them boobs go twenty yards and buttonhook. I told Donna to go out there and get into position. When he lines up I want you to growl at him. If I know him right, he will start laughing but at the same time notice those boobs. The ball will be hiked on the 4th hut. I will spread out the cadence till the time is right. When he looks at your boobs, I want you to start shaking them, while growling at him.

Well when Hank saw the way the team lined up, it was pretty obvious to him one of two things was going to happen. Most likely I was going try to run the ball and send Donna all the way out to spread his team thin. Or I could just be crazy enough to throw to a woman on the last down. He felt confident, he could handle Donna so he yelled to his team as he walked out to Donna, watch the run he is going to try to go through here!

We lined up. Hut one…..Donna growled at Hank…. He looked amused. Hut twooooooooo and she started shaking those boobs. His eyes were now fixed to her chest and started chuckling. She would growl some more and start swinging them side to side. Hut three and he was now in a full laugh and holding his belly…He dropped to one knee and I quickly called Hut four for the hike. Donna went to the goal line turned and looked. No one was on her. Hank was still at the scrimmage line on one knee laughing. Just as I was about to be tagged, I passed the ball to Donna. Hit her right in the chest and it bounced in the air but she caught it on the bounce. She stepped over the goal line and the game was ours.

It was a sweet victory and the ultimate defeat. Not only was Hank’s team beat by little brother, but they had been beat by a woman. Something we thought unusual during those days. Later in life, we were to learn that would be a common occurrence.


Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@ 2002

The Shed and the Mennonite's

I have found that since Genny has purchased this mansion with its tray ceilings and chandlers that I still miss my old place primarily for the storage. 609 Alice had that and more in the apartment out back I turned into an exterior garage. The only thing 609 didn’t have was enough closet space to hang Genny’s summer and winter wardrobe and therefore it had to go. So Genny’s answer to this problem was for me to get a shed (to place in a spot pre-selected by her of course) where a man could place his lawn mower and tools and get them out of the garage.

So there is a place in Bessemer I often drove by on the way to Lowes that sells some nice pre built sheds and I dropped by one day to talk to the salesman. While giving his sales pitch he mentioned several times that the sheds where built by Mennonite’s. I took it from the way he said it that Mennonite’s must build a higher quality shed then your normal Baptist or Methodist but having never seen an actual Mennonite I didn’t know why. I knew they were some type of religious order but that is about it.

Well I had dressed for work and was about to head out the door to go when my phone rung. There was this strange talking man on the other end of the line that said he had my shed and would like to deliver it at 10:00am. I told the man that would be alright as it was his call but you know it has been raining a lot and all I have is hay on the backyard you may get stuck. So he says it is also going to rain tomorrow my friend so the weather is not going to get any better. If you don’t mind a few ruts in your yard I have a trailer that will pull me out.

Now when he said that my Tim the tool man kicked in (a trailer that will pull you out) and I said come on then. And that trailer truly was special folks it did everything short of making coffee which the Mennonite’s probably don’t drink anyway. But the virtues of that trailer are best told in another story.

So right at ten like the man said he would he and his family pulled into the driveway with my shed on a trailer. We did a walk thru of the area to show him how muddy and soft the ground was but he said he felt he could do it as the trailer will pull him out.

He introduced me to his family. His wife’s name was Abigail and she was dressed in long plain cloth dress and she had a little white cap on her head. No make up and the only thing modern on this woman was some tennis shoes. His sons name was Shawn and his name was Matthew. His son was dressed like any other American kid and the only thing of appearance that set Matthew apart from others was a beard on his chin like you have seen in the movies of Mormons.

However, from the time he opened that truck door it was very apparent that he was the undisputed leader of that family and therefore in charge. He had a swagger in his walking, head held high and he commenced to given orders. Abigail drive the truck; Shawn get those Concrete blocks and place them where our friend wants them.

And there was no ahh Dad do I have too, they are too heavy and the wife immediately moved over into the driver’s seat without a word. I knew at that instant that there had to be a story in this delivery. Matthew was a very soft spoken person and I watched him issue orders in a voice calm and collected in situations where I would have been cussing for sure. He walked around with this little game console thing that controlled the trailer and he would say: Extend the trailer Abigail and if the trailer didn’t immediately respond he would say do you have it in park Abigail. Eventually she would figure it out and the trailer would extend.

Matthew had by then moved on to survey the tire situation as we where quickly bogging up in the mud. Shawn get that board and place it here and Shawn without a word would do so. I tried to help his son once but he said friend the boy will do that for you. Well okay I can deal with that and he would then smile.

So long story short we played in the mud for about and hour before we finally got the shed in position and it was time to place it on blocks and level it. The area around the shed was very muddy and now had fairly large ruts which made it difficult to walk in.

Matthew was walking around the back of the shed to determine if he had the shed placed correctly when he noticed Shawn was not at his side. You here a voice, Shawn what are you doing? Nothing father. Well you are supposed to stay with me to do as I tell you to do. The son looks at his mother and they both smile and then the boy starts jumping over the mud rut’s to get at his fathers side.

Shawn having been properly instructed is placing concrete blocks under the shed and fetching boards off the truck to level the back side while Matthews walks around to the front side with his control. For the first time today I see him put down the control to the trailer and he grabs a concrete block to place under the shed. However he needs some boards to get the level right on top on the block. So while looking at the situation he says: Abigail go get me a 2 x 4 block off the truck. She looks at the ground and then at the truck and she slowly walked jumping the ruts to get his 2 by 4. She makes it back to his position and is about to hand him the 2 by 4 when he says I also need a 1 by 4 slat off the truck.

Being an old dog and having been in many situations before I sensed something was about to happen and was paying close attention. But she looked at the ground and then the truck and turned and started making her way to it without a word. But she must have been thinking as she turned around about half way and said Matthew. Yes Abigail? In a very low and kind voice with just a slight tone of tension she said to Matthew you need to tell me “everything” you need at once.

I am watching and wondering how Matthew is going to handle this and thinking I have been guilty of the same thing but with probably different logic then Matthew. You know like “While your up baby could you get me a beer” while really thinking a sandwich would be nice with the beer but I don’t want to push it as I won’t get anything so you just stick with the beer fetching.

Break: It is now about 10:30am and my Abigail is finally stirring upstairs and I need to go get another cup of coffee. So I walk up to find her walking thru the living room. I fill up my coffee and I say as I am walking down the stairs. Abbygale will you be fixing me any breakfast this morning? She stops turns and says “probably not” which of course means no. Well hell it is almost lunch time anyway I will fix me a sandwich. I need to hang with Matthew some more.

Well back to the story:

Matthew keeps his head straight not turning to look at his wife and says: You are right Abigail. A big smile comes upon her face like she has just won a major victory and she happily turns to go get the 1 x 4 slat when he says; bring me another 2x4 block with that 1 x 4 in case I need it. She brings both and hands it to him (still smiling) and he takes the 1 x 4 places it on the block and then hands her the 2 x 4 back saying I won’t be needing that 2 x 4 put it back on the truck please. I am not 100% sure but I think old Matthew was proving a point there.

So from there was fairly un-eventual and we get his truck out of the yard. Well…. his wife and son got the truck out of the yard (her driving the truck and the son placing boards down where Matthew instructed him to do so. After they are back in the drive way and the wife and son are in the truck Matthew walks over to me and we survey the completed job. He looks at my boat and says, so you take that out on the water my friend. I say yep he smiles shakes my hand and gets in the truck and drives off.

So as they were driving off I remembered a movie I had seen at one time. In it heaven was this very large processing station in which you either ended up boarding the train to heaven or being sent back as a child to try again. The idea being that some folks require more life’s then others to be prepared for the wonders of heaven. Well I am quite sure after yesterday that on that last run thru life God sends you back to live as a Mennonite man.


Bubba Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
Copyright @2008

Blogging for the Redneck Heritage Network

Hi there, my name is Art Nalley and this is my beginning attempt at blogging which is a direct result of some relatives and friends telling me I should. I have been writing short stories for years and sharing them with my family and friends. Most of the stuff I write about is my life experiences and believe me I have had a few. I will start off by telling if you are looking for perfect grammar, spelling or punctuation it would be best to just close this site and move on. Some of my errors are mistakes and some on purpose to stay within character. Just go with the flow as sometimes it is fun trying to figure out what I was trying to say. Don’t be surprised if you find that some of my material has changed in small ways as I sometimes go back and add to previous postings. The idea is after all to build material to eventually use in a book and sometimes it needs just a little more. It is usually a result of someone reading one of my short stories and asking, well what about this? So just because you read it once doesn’t mean there won’t be some added material the next go around.

Some say that a few of my stories remind them of Lewis Gizzard’s style of writing and I am honored each time I hear that as he was among the best of the southern writers. He is my writing hero and I have read every one of his books. There is no greater feeling then to make someone laugh.

If I continue with this blog you will note that most of my productivity is during the winter months as the summer is for new experiences. However, I am finding that as I grow older I am writing more often. Some of that is due to the encouragement of my fiancée who is always telling me that is some funny stuff Art you need to write that down. I am not sure if she really thinks it is funny or she just wants me to go back downstairs and let her watch Desperate Housewife’s in peace. My stories cover a wide variety of subjects from Buying that First Condom to the Mennonite and the Shed. I do a lot of growing up in the south and relationship stuff. If any of you have women figured out drop me a line. I am always looking for new subjects so if you have any you would like to hear Bubba’s viewpoint on something just let me know.

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@2008

Don't Take the Chance of Adding to the List

Advice to the Young clip 1

Back in 2003, my Niece (Abby) was getting married to a young man named Wes and I had just finished up a divorce and didn’t have a lot of money left for gifts. So her father suggested I make them an Advice Video Tape instead. I found it kind of humorous thinking about a recently divorced man giving advice to newlyweds so I took on the challenge. The idea for the tape was to get it there in time for it to be played at the rehearsal dinner. Don’t know that it was played or not.

The first clip is about learning what it is that makes your new bride pissed (since most often they won’t tell you) and insuring you don’t mistakenly add to that list. A short clip of the tape is attached to this message. Hope you enjoy.

Art Nalley

Redneck Heritage Network

@2011

A Man can Mess Up Trying to be Good

You know sometimes a man can be trying to do good and mess up big time. Let me tell you about a recent experience with this.

Just like dog’s piss on tree’s to mark their territory women will leave shit behind. My girlfriend was over last night and I noted that she had in her hands when she came in the door her purse and some hair spray. She placed them on the counter and I would see them every time I got up to go get a beer. It was some white rain hair spray.

So everything is going great if you get my drift and I get the urge to go to the restroom. My medicine cabinet is open and I notice some hand cream and hairspray in it. I know I don’t buy the stuff so I figure it is hers and she left it there from another stay over. I grab it and walk to the living room and say hey baby I think you left this the last time you where here thinking I have saved her some money. She said, well honey you just screwed up as this is not my stuff, but I will say Bambi must have class, as this is the expensive stuff.

Well it got a little cold for a little while and it took me a little while to dig out of that hole. She finally said it would be best if I just shut up because you are not doing anything but digging a bigger hole. So anyway, she left this morning and a few minutes ago I noticed she left that hair spray behind on the counter. She had just left so I could have called her and had her come back to get it. But you know what, that stuff is going into the trash with the other. As I am not taking the chance of making the same mistake again. So when you read this get up and go check your bathroom for little land mines that have been left behind and “never” ask a woman if something in there is hers. Throw that stuff in the trash and if by some chance you forget and she finds something, deny knowing where in the hell it came from. Cause Men are dumb as rocks. Repeat that 10 times a day to her and you should do okay.

Hey I wonder if this line would work? Well baby I am a good host. You know just like you go out and get a six when I come over because you know I like beer; I buy women stuff so you will have it when you come. Naw, wouldn’t work. Next question would be well that is sweet of you but why has some been used? Throw it away now.

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network
@ 9/31/04