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Saturday, September 5, 2015

Men ain't from Mars they are from Woolmarket

How you folks doing today? I am doing fine as I have the day off and have already been involved in many chores. One of these chores inspired another story that I thought I would share with y'all. You know, I thought the dumb as a rock act stuff was working pretty well when something happened the other night. I don’t remember what it was that triggered the response from the girlfriend but she stopped in mid-sentence and said, you know what? There is a statute of limitation on that dumb as rock shit. I said yeah but it ain’t an act. So anyway she says she has this book she wants me to read and brings it over.

It is called Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I am thinking this is probably one of those Lifetime movie books where the guy is always the asshole and the woman the saint. But I think what the hell, Bubba never has been afraid of expanding his horizons so I figured I would read it. I’m thinking it would make for some good discussion when I tear the book apart later. So anyway, I am about a quarter through it and already figured out she didn’t pay attention to one part for sure. The book states clearly somewhere in the first couple of chapters that men do not appreciate unsolicited advice. It makes us assume the woman must have a low opinion of our ability to solve problems. And we really don’t like it when you give us advice we haven’t even asked for.

So take that knowledge and then convert it to “So does she think I am stupid about women or something?” I kind of figured I have them figured out. It is simple once you understand that anything you say or do there is a good ninety percent chance she ain’t going to like it. But then the end of chapter two put it all into perspective. You see, women are born thinking that they have to improve you. Our problem is we don’t see it as an improvement 'cause if they had any smarts they too would want to be like us. So Bubba thinks, should I be pissed she wants to change me? I don’t think so, 'cause I don’t see me changing, so you got to kind of admire a woman that takes on that big a challenge.

I will write some more on these Men from Mars stuff later, but the sun is starting to come out and I feel the yard calling me so I will finish this story talking about one of my chores this morning.

As you come into my house the first thing you see is a built in table on the left and a washer and dryer on the right. I always stack the laundry stuff on the dryer, as the stuff won’t fit in the cabinets above. It needs to have one of those shelves taken out of it. Now next to the dryer is a door to a pantry where every woman I have dated has put the stuff when they get tired of seeing it stacked on the dryer. Women for some reason like to see a washer and dryer with nothing on it. Go figure! Men like stuff that they can visualize and don’t want to go look for it or take them extra steps. After all, the last thing we like to do is do laundry so we damn sure don’t want to spend extra time looking for the laundry stuff.

So I figure this morning in the sprit of change I am going to compromise. But I am going to do it on my terms. I am not putting the stuff in the pantry;  I am going to take that shelf out and put it directly above the washer where it should be! I figure no big deal the shelf is probably tacked in with finishing nails just hit it with a hammer a few times, clip off the nails with some pliers and you are good to go. Wrong! It turns out that like all things built in 1935 these are built right to last so a groove has been cut and the shelf slides in and you are not going to bang it out. Problem is it will not slide out with the facing and cabinet doors on. You have to take them off. This job is turning into a lot more work then I thought, but I go into it as after all a man has to solve his own damn problems.

So I take off about 5 doors and one facing and see that even with one facing off it is not coming off as one board goes through two shelves, side by side. At this point I am thinking, get the skill saw and cut the mother out, but I can hear some woman saying that looks so tacky. Hell, you can’t see it when the cabinet is closed, woman. So I decide not to cut it out (ain’t worth the grief you will get over it) but I will be damned if I am going to put the stuff in the pantry and admit defeat. Hell no, the stuff is going back on the dryer when I get everything put back together. So at this point I am like a whipped pup, spent half the morning tearing something apart and putting it back together with no results. Something women would say we men do quite often.

So I do what I always do to get inspired: I go out on my front sunroom and sit thinking over the problem. It is then that I realize the error of my ways. You see grocery shopping ain’t one of my favorite things to do. So I don’t go too often and I buy a lot of stuff to ensure I don’t have to. Why buy two pieces of chicken when you can buy a 10 lb bag, etc.

So herein lies my solution. I can still be a man and yet keep the women folk happy. They have that laundry stuff in all kinds of sizes so just buy smaller sizes and buy two of them as you got plenty of room just not enough height for the two gallon stuff.

So all and all, even though I wasted most of a good morning, I am happy with myself 'cause I solved a problem. Something the book says men specialize in. I tell you right now I should have quit thinking about it right then, but no, I have to analyze it. Who does the majority of the laundry in the good old U.S. ? The answer is women. So therefore who would the manufactures of bleach and laundry soap caters to and research?

So herein lays my problem. I was proud of my solution till I figured out some damn woman probably came up with idea. Damn, I am thinking like a woman, you think the next damn thing is I will turn gay or something?

I don’t think so...where is the freaking saw?

Art Nalley
Redneck Heritage Network