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Tuesday, May 26, 2015

The Russian Foreign Exchange Student

I remember it was a beautiful spring day and that I had recently moved out of my divorce apartment into a nice old house in Bessemer, AL.  I loved spring on University Blvd in Birmingham.  All them little college gals wearing their cotton white sun dress with a black thong. Just something about a spring day, smoking a cig and watching those gals walk by made a man feel good, even cocky.

I looked at my watch and it was 11:45 and I had a meeting at 1:00 PM but was already prepared.  I was hungry and time for lunch. I figured I would go up to Rocky’s a nice Italian place a block up for lunch when the phone rang.  It was my direct line and not the Secretary patching someone thru so I looked at the number ID and saw it was my oldest daughter Gloria. So I pick up the phone and she said what you doing Dad.

Art:  Oh I got a meeting at one and thinking about going out to eat in a minute.

Gloria:  Do I need to call back?

Art:  Naw I got time, what you want?

Gloria:  Oh nothing, just wondering what you been up to, what going on?

Art:  Not a lot, working on getting the garden ready to plant, doing some floors, regular stuff.

Gloria:  You sure, nothing more than that?

So it was at this point the devil got ahold of me as it was obvious she was fishing for some information. I smiled and thought to myself to have a little fun with this. 

Art:  Well there is one more thing.  I am about two weeks away from getting married again.

Pause then Gloria:  About to get married and you like have not even brought her by to meet me?

Art: Well I didn’t figure it would be all that popular a thing to tell ya’ll so I figured I would wait a few months to break it to ya’ll after.
Gloria: Well why would we not like her?

Art:  She is a little younger then both of you and she is a Russian Foreign Exchange Student.

Gloria:  How old is she?

Art:  22

Gloria: Dad……22 years old?

Art: Yep, look I got to go get something to eat before the meeting. I will catch up later with you on it.

Gloria: Okay……dial tone.

So I get up there and it appears the entire Medical School decided it was a good day to eat out.  Small line outside the door to order and all seats taken.  So no big deal I will get carry out and eat at my desk. So I get inside the door and number two in line to order and my cell rings. Now the only time my cell rings it is something big like the Center Director or my Assistant Chief calling me about something that can’t wait. So being hard of hearing I have the thing on speaker phone.  It is a cheap Blackberry and you have to go thru several menu’s to turn it off so once it is speaker you can’t easily do it like you can on those cell phones now. I look at the number and recognize it as my Baby Girls (Charro’s) number.  I pull it off my hip and hit the talk button when this very loud voice says.

Charro:  Have you lost your Fucking Mind?

I am holding by the time the phone about 12 inches off my ear and everybody is looking at me with and oh shit look.

Art: No I am not crazy yet baby what is up?

Charro:  Oh nothing Dad!!!!  Except I just heard you are about to marry a 22 year old foreign exchange student.  SSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  If you are wondering what that SSSSSSSSSSSSSS is about you have to know Charro. When she gets aggravated she has always put a little sssssssssssss at the end of her sentence.  Kind of sounds like a steak on a hot grill. So by this point I can tell everybody (I mean everybody) in the place is listening to this conversation and I going to have some fun.

Art:  Look you will like her, she is in Medical School and her VISA is about to run out.  Smart gal. She needs to find her an American to get married to in order to stay in America.  That way she can stay, apply for grants, etc., and live rent free at my place.

Charro:  Does she speak English?

Art: Ahhh a little not to much.

Charro:  Well DAD how are you two going to communicate?  sssss

Art:  Well baby we are communicating pretty good so far!  (At this point the people in the line and within ear shot are laughing, which fires me up some more as I like making folks laugh). Just pisses Charro off more!

Art:  She can’t cook real well however, but I am trying to teach her that. No big problem since I like to cook and most young gals have that problem.

Charro:  Look Dad you are too old for her, you know she is going to leave you once she gets citizenship.

The room got real quiet to see how I would respond to this so I paused a few seconds.

Art: Look Charro I ain’t Stupid!  I know she is going to leave me for some young buck down the road but I figure that will be after Medical School is finished and you know what?

Charro:  What?  Ssssss

Art:  In the mean time she sure does look good coming out of the shower!
Charro:  Bye Dad, dial tone.

As I hang up and put my phone back into the holster I am either getting thumbs up, laughter or handshakes.  As I always believed you got to fire them girls up from time to time. J