When a young man reaches 15 or 16, he soon realizes the importance of always having a condom in his wallet. Some people learn this from their friends or older brothers, but like most things in life I found out the hard way. I was in a heavy necking session with a young lady one night and was very close to what we called “home plate”…The car was really heating up. Just as I was about to succeed she asked me the damnedest question in a very authoritative voice. Do you have a condom? Well things got cold real quick. You would have thought I had slapped her mamma or something. I tried the old standby answer….You know like I will pull it out, when I get close, but she was not buying that one. She probably heard it before. Well in any event no sex that night. I resolved then, that I would never be in that situation again. I was going to buy some condoms somehow.
Being a military brat, I had an ID and a place called the PX. It was kind of a base Wal-Mart. Well it was well known that soldiers had sex from time to time and that probably would be a good place to buy some condoms. Maybe, they would think I was a young looking troop. I was very nervous but determined when I entered the building. I found the shelf they were located at and found out that not all condoms are the same. They got all kinds of those jokers. Do you want the one that says super sensitive or the heavy-duty type? I figure the guy would go for the super sensitive and the gal wants the heavy duty. They had lubricated and UN-lubricated.
So I am trying to figure out, what to purchase and folks keep coming by looking at me looking at the condoms. Who knows, maybe they weren’t looking, probably busy with their own lives, but when you are buying your first condom, you feel like the whole world had stopped to watch you. You become very paranoid.
So at one point I decide, I ain’t going to do this again anytime soon, so instead of one, I grab the 12 pack. Keep one in the wallet and hide the rest somewhere. I go up front where the cashiers are and look them over. Important to figure out who would be the easiest to buy from cause you might have to be 18 to buy them things.
They had three cashiers working that weekend. The first one looked way too much like my mom. I could just hear the questions she would ask, and would probably tell me to go put them back. The second one was younger, but still looked awful old to me. She didn’t smile much and wasn’t very friendly. The third one was a young black lady, I would say in the early 20’s. Well out of the three, I figured she was the one to make the purchase from. She was closer to my age, her line was moving the fastest (when you’re buying condoms, you ain’t in the mood to chitchat) and she was black. Everybody knows those black folks like to get it on regular…Yep she is the one. I figure I will buy some gum too, since condoms won’t be my only purchase, maybe she won’t notice and I would be out quick.
Well I finally get to the front of the line and I throw my gum and condoms out on the belt. She looks at me and smiles. She rings up the gum and throws it in a bag. She slowly picks up the condom box and lifts them over her head. She yells Maybell (Maybell is the cashier that looks like my Momma) look at dis. Ohhhhhhh honey…he’s planning on having him a gooooood time tonight. Well at this point everybody in all three lines are laughing and looking at me. My face is extremely red, and I feel like I want to run out of there. I just look at her, with a go to hell look. She puts them in the bag and I give her my money. As I am walking out, I can still hear the laughter and giggling going on behind me. Thank God, I got the twelve pack, cause this ain’t something, I would want to do on a regular basis.
I hear they are giving them out at school now. That has got to be a better situation. But with my luck, the young black lady would be the one giving them out.
Art Nalley
Redneck Hertiage Network
@2004
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